Hey, there was a pay-per-view last night (17 years ago). Ric Flair is your new World Heavyweight Champion after Miss Elizabeth turned her back on her ex-husband who is now officially as dumb as Sting, DDP is $6.6 million lighter, Hulk Hogan is still terrible, and the Dungeon of Doom gained another 600 pounds. All this, tonight. But first...
dionysus: At this point is the Television title more prestigious than the United States title?
I’ll need to defer to this guy:
ekedolphin: How come Luger and Sting had to defend the tag-team titles twice on one show?
Because Harlem Heat didn’t win the first match, duh.
SKLOKAZOID: WCW seemed to be picking up steam creatively in 1996.
Let’s NOT start sucking Bischoff’s kneecaps until we get through Uncensored, I can’t bear it. Oh god, Uncensored is looming. I’m losing all feeling in my fingertips.
THE ROAD TO UNCENSORED STARTS TONIGHT!
Light the pyro – dear god how is that rat PEPE still alive? ERIC BISCHOFF, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and BOBBY HEENAN are on hand, and tonight – George Steinbrenner is here! Perhaps HE can end Hulkamania.
We get some still shots of the Respect match, and Bischoff blows it off as “Pillman left the building right away, he’s history”, before getting into the newfound alliance between the Dungeon of Doom and Four Horsemen. Liz’s turn is given lots of press, and as Bischoff calls it a “big night”, we’re shown stills of Loch Ness. Well then.
HUGH MORRUS vs. RANDY SAVAGE
With the mood Savage is in, this cannot possibly end well for Morrus at all. Savage doesn’t give us his usual hokey entrance, opting instead for raw intensity as he walks towards Morrus. Morrus strikes first, hitting a running avalanche. A throat jab sends Savage to the mat, but Savage gets up and levels Morrus with a double axehandle. Savage takes Morrus to the outside, and slams his face into the ringpost. Back in, Morrus hits a vertical suplex. Savage slams an elbow in his face, and Morrus Flair flops. Still, as Savage moves in, Morrus slams him and heads up. No Laughing Matter misses, and Savage finishes with two Big Elbows at 4:51. That went about 4 minutes longer than I would have given it, what with Savage getting screwed over by his ex-wife. Savage takes the mic and tells the world he wants Ric Flair. Don’t we all. *
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND interviews STEVE GRISSOM. Who, you might ask? Well he drives the WCW Nascar. We learn things like “it runs real good” and “we got a big weekend ahead of us”.
SCOTTY RIGGS vs. LOCH NESS (with Jimmy Hart)
Apparently Loch Ness has gained 100 pounds since last night, because Bischoff is touting him at 700 pounds now. Riggs tries a missile dropkick that doesn’t even budge him. Riggs comes off the top with a crossbody, and it’s clear Loch Ness is SUPPOSED to catch and slam him, but he doesn’t, letting Riggs basically turn in mid-air and slam himself, as Loch Ness trips over himself. A pair of elbowdrops give Loch Ness the win at 1:08. If you were expecting more from a 50 year old fat man, well, I’ve got a Best Of Golga DVD to sell you for $49.95. DUD
WOMAN and MISS ELIZABETH wheel out a gurney, which contains a stylin and profilin Ric Flair, presumably dead from all the sex he’d been having with the ladies all night. Liz: “For 7 years, I had to walk behind Randy, sit in the corner and never open my mouth. Well when I left, I took half of everything. Half the money, half the property. Well that’s nothing because last night, I took it all. I know, that that belt was the most important thing to Randy, and he prides himself on living on the edge. Well, he’s over the edge.”
“DANGEROUS” DEVON STORM vs. KONAN (for the WCW United States title)
This is NOT the Storm I know; sporting a blonde mullet, and lime green tights with tassels? Where is the insanity? Where is the crowbar? Where is David Flair? Now, showing some flash, Storm dives at Konnan using a chair to assist with a tope con hilo! He uses the ringsteps to dive at Konnan with headscissors, but Konnan holds on and powerbombs him on the floor. Heenan provides the laugher of the night by stating: “History will show this Konnan is the only man who’s ever held both the US Title and the Mexican Title at the same time.” I should certainly friggin’ hope so considering the title had only just come into existence on February 2nd, and Konnan was the only champion through 2004! In the ring, Konnan hits a pair of headscissors takeovers, and throws Storm with an overhead wheelbarrow suplex. Rock Bottom sets up a reverse Figure Four, while we take a look at GEORGE STEINBRENNER for no apparent reason. Storm must have escaped while the Boss was mugging, and hits a springboard spinning heel kick. A vocal group of fans chant for Konnan, as Storm tries a slingshot sunset flip to the outside, which Konnan rolls through and hits a rana. Bischoff takes this time to accuse the WWF of being responsible for the blackout suffered last week; before calling a couple of “back leg round kicks” from Storm on Konnan. Konnan reverses a super Frankensteiner into a top rope powerbomb for the win at 5:21. Good match. **1/2
ARN ANDERSON (with Woman) vs. HULK HOGAN (with eyepatch)
Fans chant for Hogan, which sends Arn into a an irate rage. Anderson punches Hogan in the back of the head, but that just enrages Hogan who bites him. ENOUGH OF THAT! Arn fires back with a clothesline, which fires Hogan up. Be careful Arn, he might bite you again. Instead, he uses the back rake, because he fights like a 4 year old. Maybe next he’ll pull hair and scream. Arn tries to piledrive Hogan on the concrete, which would have been the most amazing thing in the history of the world, but Hogan catapults his way out sending Arn into the ringpost noggin first. Hogan drives Arn’s shoulder to the ringpost repeatedly, rakes the back again, and heads up. Arn is choked out with the athletic tape from Hogan’s fist, while Heenan rants about Hogan’s true colors. That he’s been a lousy cheater for years, who’s done a lot of rotten things to a lot of people but everyone’s to afraid to call him out on his BS, and he’s upset because the Horsemen aren’t afraid to. “I don’t like the man Mongo, and I never will.” AMEN. Arn is clotheslined which he sells like a gunshot. Hogan whips him to the corner, and Arn throws an elbow to stop the Hogan momentum. Arn heads up, but like Flair, he gets caught. Hogan botches the slam, and Arn improvises by crotching himself across the top rope. My man. Arn starts clawing at the eye of Hogan, as RIC FLAIR and MISS ELIZABETH come strutting down to ringside. Arn destroys Hogan with a spinebuster, but Hogan emphatically kicks out at 2 and Hulks Up. Big boot, pose, strut like Flair, and Hogan puts on the Figure Four right in front of Flair. Ric attacks, but Hogan rolls HIM up at the exact same time, pinning him for about a 20 count. Woman grabs some rat poison and gets on the apron, tossing it in Hogan’s bad eye. The referee sees the giant cloud of dust, but doesn’t call for the bell, because I guess that could be anthing. Anderson then drives Liz’s shoe into Hogan’s eye, and GETS THE PIN AT 9:15!!!! UP YOURS HULK! **
Okay, even though I knew it was coming seeing as how I’ve watched the “Best Of Nitro” special on more than one occasion, it’s still a beautiful thing.
As Arn celebrates the biggest win of his life, Hogan breaks up the party by slamming him and Ric head to head, and clears the ring of them. RANDY SAVAGE enters the fray, beating Flair over the head with a chair.
Flair rushes the announce booth and rips the headset off Bischoff’s head. “HOGAN – YOU JUST GOT YOUR ASS KICKED AGAIN! YOU LIKE IT? SAVAGE – WE GOT THE BELT, WE GOT THE GIRLS, WE GOT HOGAN ON THE RUN! WE GOT THE WRESTLING WORLD WHERE WE WANT IT!” Mongo takes off, while Heenan happily hangs around with his friends. Hogan rushes Arn at the announce booth, and rips the headset off Heenan. Heenan disgustedly gives Hogan a look, and leaves. “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is on the scene. Hogan wants a rematch with Anderson, next Monday. Hogan reminds Savage his life sucks, and tells him to go get that Alimony back. And with that fine message, Nitro goes off the air.