Wednesday, August 20, 2014

WCW Nitro: August 19, 1996

Light a traffic sign ablaze – it’s time for WCW Monday Nitro! Will the Steiners and Harlem Heat fight for an unprecedented 28th consecutive show? DO NOT BET AGAINST IT!

We are LIVE LIVE LIVE from an UNNAMED LOCATION! TONY SCHIAVONE and LARRY ZBYSZKO are so excited they might wet their pants, because we have a rematch from the Clash of Champions. And which main event match might that be? Why it’s…

VK WALLSTREET vs. JIM DUGGAN

The referee assigned is NICK PATRICK, so let’s add Duggan’s 2x4 to the list of nWo suspects. It even has “4” in its name. Red herrig, or subtle hint to its motivations? The fans are all aboard the HOOOOO train here. These wily vets take to brawlin’ on the floor because they’re just that fired up. Back in, Duggan hits his “lethal clotheslines” (tm Schiavone), which do NOT live up to their name as VK Wallstreet remains alive and well. A running knee causes Duggan to blindly stomp around like an abominable snowman looking for Bugs Bunny. Wallstreet applies a headlock, so the referee looks to Duggan’s eyes for life. He gets a dumb blank stare, so he knows Duggan is better than ever. Duggan escapes, but misses a blind charge hitting his noggin on the turnbuckle, killing as many as 2 of his remaining braincells. Still, he finds it in himself to explode out of the corner with a clothesline (no word on whether or not it was lethal), and he hulks up. Duggan reaches into his tights and whips out a roll of tape, but Patrick steals it. Wallstreet then grabs it and tapes HIS fists, which Patrick is watching while Duggan finds ANOTHER one in his pants and tapes his fist for the knockout win at 5:27, right in front of Patrick who’s cool with it. Now I’m concerned about the roll of tape’s relationship with the nWo. Order WCW Prop-a-mania this Sunday to find out more. *1/2

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND saunters to the ring, and Duggan’s all fired up about some guy named Terry who turned his back on his family. That draws out RANDY SAVAGE, which scares Duggan into a fighting stance. Savage only wants to talk about Hulk Hogan though, which is disappointing because I want to know more about this Terry character. We re-live highlights from last week where Hogan hit Savage with the chair, and Savage promises to “let it flow”. He also has a problem with the Giant for some reason. That … would seem counter-productive to his goal of gettin’ Hogan.

“EARL” ROBERT EATON (conspicuously alone) vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman and Elizabeth)

The camera focuses on a STUNT GRANNY, giving Benoit the thumbs down. I hope he takes her out for pizza later. Announcers speculate Eaton is alone due to dissention in the Blue Bloods. I speculate it’s because Benoit got smoked in about 4 seconds at the Clash, so Eaton’s not really concerned. Benoit spends the first several minutes on the floor, beating the piss out of Eaton who is getting less offense than John Cena on Sunday. Even Woman gets in a few shots for good measure. In the ring, Eaton tries to muster anything, but it ain’t happening, as his feeble attempts to strike blows are met with some pretty vicious palm thrusts. Eaton finally hits a swinging neckbreaker from nowhere, but the Alabama Jam misses, and Benoit shows him how it’s done with a nasty swandive for the pin at 4:02. Now THAT was an asskicking. *

In the back, STING and LEX LUGER are hanging out with new best buddy “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Luger says they have a surprise and a plan tonight. And that’s it. Well then!

DISCO INFERNO vs. SCOTT NORTON

Hey, this is Nitro – I recognize Saturday Night material when I see it. You can’t fool me, WCW. I also don’t see this ending well for poor Disco, who just wants to dance. Norton doesn’t appear interested in dancing. We can leave him behind, because he doesn’t dance, and if he doesn’t dance, well he’s no friend of Disco. This guy Norton is far too serious, all he wants to do is beat up the RSPW legend. Disco manages to duck a clothesline and throw some elbows that Norton barely feels, so he swats him like a fly and stands on him. Probably not as effective as when the Giant does it, but I appreciate the effort. Still, for a guy named Flash, he’s pretty damn slow. A front suplex drops Disco on his face, and Norton finishes with the shoulderbreaker into an armbar for the submission at 4:05. *

TEDDY LONG and ICE TRAIN have found “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Teddy’s irate that Nick Patrick was assigned to Train’s match at Hog Wild, because HE made the decision to end the match and not Ice Train. We then relive last week’s show, where Ice Train was attacked at a CompuServe chat! COMPUSERVE! Dial up chat rooms of the FUTURE! Train promises it’s not over with Scott Norton. Because, it’s only been like 8 months of watching this hate/love/hatefest, what’s another month?

“LORD” STEVEN REGAL vs. DEAN MALENKO

Regal’s already got his “I smell a SKUNK” face on during his walk to the ring, because America is so VILE! I can’t decide how I feel about this match up, except to say Regal had better win. The pair trade holds for awhile, which has Larry awake for the first time in 45 minutes. Not Tony however, who calls for a commercial break!

Back from break (featuring a svelte ad about Ryan Klesko, superstar!), Regal is grinding Malenko’s face into a fine powder. Malenko hiptosses Regal, which the Brit doesn’t care for and he pops Malenko in the nose. Regal with a forearm (“EUROPEAN FOREARM” screams Tony!), and Regal locks on a headscissors sleeper. I suppose I ought to point out the presence of NICK PATRICK here, who admonishes Regal for his dirty work. A friend of Malenko, are we? Malenko seems to have no agenda, he aligns with anyone, let’s not forget about him. I think he falls somewhere between Fit Finlay and Johnny B Badd in terms of 4th man likelihood. Johnny B Badd will be forgotten about if he’s removed from Prime’s opening credits this week, but until then, we know you’re around Johnny! Malenko hits a couple of sweet German suplexes, holding the second one with a bridge for 2. Regal fires back with a butterfly suplex for 2. Regal applies a beautiful floatover schoolboy for 2, and then Malenko gets the quick finish with La Majistral at 6:59. **1/2

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is playing Dick Clark, cuz it’s a countdown to HOUR 2! THE FOUR HORSEMEN with WOMAN, ELIZABETH, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL join the party. Arn says he doesn’t need a weapon, because he’s got something else … guts! Flair screams himself purple, because he believes in wine, women, and song. Flair can’t wait to see Sting and Luger, WCW’s pretty boys walk the aisle, but we aren’t listening to a damn thing he’s saying because the second hour fireworks are ablaze and the Nitro theme is overtaking everything. And when it’s not, hi ERIC BISCHOFF! I assume “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN is nearby, but has enough respect to TRY and salvage this interview. Gene talks about getting a Roman Candle up his pantleg (oh my!), and turns things over to the announce crew.

THE NASTY BOYS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY (with table)

Bischoff can’t WAIT to start talking about the fact the WWF launched a lawsuit against WCW, and somehow makes it seem like they’re working with the Outsiders by saying “they can’t change us, the Outsiders can’t change the way we do business, we are here to stay”. You know, I have a lot of love for Eric, but it’s stuff like this that really showed his inexperience in the role as a company head – because he was more interested in being COOL on camera, as opposed to “hey, saying those things might wind up costing Turner a whole lot of money, maybe I don’t do that”. When times are good, however, things like this are overlooked, and Bischoff’s gonna be here awhile. Am I ignoring this match to talk about Bischoff? Why YES, I am, because they’re doing the stupid twin camera routine as both teams do their usual schtick, although I do not remember being informed that this is Falls Count Anywhere, or Hardcore, or whatever they’re supposed to be doing. Grunge hits a swinging neckbreaker on Knobbs, while the fans call for their favorite wrestler – the table! Grunge goes to drop an elbow on Knobbs who’s now on the floor, but Knobbs rolls over and Grunge hits concrete, ouch! TPE gets together to send Knobbs head first into the steel steps, but Saggs rushes them both from behind with a double clothesline. Still, 2-on-1 is better than 1-on-1, and TPE hits the Drive By. Saggs rolls to the floor, where he is placed on the table, but their second attempt at a Drive By sends both members of TPE through the table as Saggs rolls away. Knobbs comes back and drops an elbow for the win at 4:26. 1/2*

Of course, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND can’t HELP but talk to the Nastys constantly even though he never gets any info from either of them. Saggs promises to continue being as nasty as they want to be, and declares war on everyone. Gene accuses Knobbs of hangin’ and bangin’ with Hulk Hogan. Knobbs repeats that Hogan’s still his friend and will always be his friend, but he’ll do whatever he wants. NASTY SENSATION COMING YOUR WAY. Let’s refrain from talking to them again until they have something new to say.

Meanwhile, Bischoff tells the Outsiders to come and git them some. What the hell?

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.

Page of course still has the Battlebowl ring despite losing it to Eddie at the Clash, because he’s a thief. And a scumbag. And a monkey. BANG! Chavo is irate, and sends himself over the top with a slingshot tope, crashing into Page, but also sending himself face first into the guardrail. Head injuries be damned, Chavo and Page head back in, and Chavo’s a house o’ fire! Sadly, a blind charge turns the tide, and hey, is that NICK PATRICK again? Bischoff starts speculating, but Heenan turns the tide on Bischoff and says people are worried about him too. Bischoff ignores him, and talks about all the people who want their shots at the nWo, which is my whole problem with this angle to this point because if they don’t work there, then Christ just take your shots! It doesn’t stop anyone else at any OTHER time! Guerrero almost sneaks in a pin with a sunset flip, and Bischoff notes he’s got virtually no chance because of the amount of weight he’s giving up. Page hits a sitdown powerbomb, and then lets the man up at 2 because he wants to hurt Chavo some more. Hammerlock belly to belly gets 2, and again Page pulls him up. This is NEVER a good idea Page, and sure enough he goes for a Diamond Cutter which Chavo reverses into a backslide for the major upset at 4:31! Page, IRATE, hits a Diamond Cutter, and then steals the belt off Nick Patrick’s waist (who does NOT put up a fight), and he whips Chavo until referee PEE WEE ANDERSON saves the day. If I’m being serious, Page is the clear cut obvious #4 guy with his past ties to Hall and Nash, and the fact he has a mysterious benefactor. *1/2

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND rushes in to get a word with Nick Patrick. Gene is furious that he didn’t do anything to stop Page’s attack. Patrick said when an officer hits the scene of a crime, and there’s shit goin’ down, that he won’t do anything until backup arrives. He and Anderson make a great team, because they always have each other’s backs. Gene asks about the accusations that have been levied against him. Patrick says yeah, Gene is the perpetrator of the damn rumors, and he hasn’t done anything wrong because if he had, he would have been fired already. Patrick says the biggest problem with WCW is that they don’t stick together anymore. Gene points out he knows that Patrick bought a beautiful new home in the last week, and that he knows how much money WCW pays him. “WCW pays me very well, that’s all I have to say.”

AMERICAN MALES vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri and Colonel Robert Parker) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Well well well, looks who still alive. I think this is the first appearance for the Males since the nWo backstage attack at the end of July. NICK PATRICK has been assigned to this one too, which is no surprise because he has seemingly had ties to everyone on Harlem Heat’s side. After a brawl to start, things level off with Booker and Riggs. Booker misses an elbowdrop, but breakdances to his feet and nails the Harlem Sidekick. Bischoff calls Booker the most proficient member of Harlem Heat which is like calling Rey Mysterio faster than Hulk Hogan. Stevie hits a vertical suplex, and because he’s gone through all his moves he turns things back to Booker. Booker goes for a missile dropkick, but it’s blocked with a Riggs dropkick to the midsection, and that draws Bagwell for the hot tag. Scoop slams for everyone! Booker tries a pumphandle slam, but Bagwell falls on top of him for 2! Stevie is in to save, but he rolls Stevie up with the tights for 2, which Bischoff calls a slow count (which it totally wasn’t). Riggs gets in a big dropkick, but Patrick gives him a pile of crap for being involved when he isn’t in, and Stevie powerslams Bagwell to retain at 4:08. *

ARN ANDERSON and RIC FLAIR (with Woman and Elizabeth) vs. STING and LEX LUGER

Sting is wearing his green and gold Sgt. Pepper coat today. Before the match, Sting demands that all the Horsemen come down to the ring and join the other two. Flair LOVES that idea, and Anderson waves them down. CHRIS BENOIT, MONGO MCMICHAEL, and DEBRA MCMICHAEL head down, and Bischoff calls for a break?

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND has hit the ring, so hot for this story he’s removed his sports coat! Sting says he and Luger can NEVER trust Flair, but everything he’s ever done has always been here in WCW. Sting says that everyone in the ring is WCW. Sting reminds us that Wargames is coming, a match created by the Horsemen, and with all due respect to Benoit and Mongo, there are only 4 people in the ring who have Wargames experience. Sting wants them to work together at Wargames. Anderson tells Sting and Luger he doesn’t like either one of them. He tells Luger he can’t bring jiggling pecs to the ring, but if he brings experience he might be happy to work with him. Luger says he’s never given less than 100% in the ring, and asks them not to blow them off. Anderson won’t do it, until Sting stops worrying what the kids think about him and agrees to put himself in the Wargames as a solider. Anderson says he’ll never quit, and the Outsiders will have to kill him. Sting says he’s lived the life of WCW, and is a little pissy that they’d even ask him that. Flair only agrees, if Mongo and Benoit agree to step aside, because he’s a Horseman first. Benoit says he’s waited his whole life for this kind of opportunity, but agrees to stand behind any decision Arn Anderson makes. Mongo says he’s played for the best NFL team of all time, and knows how to sacrifice. He does promise that he’s going to be watching them closely, and if they try anything they’re done. With that, Arn Anderson agrees to the terms.

The nWo replay the “Rome Italy” promo from the other day. I still laugh when Nash pans the camera as they soak in “Rome”, with “hey, what’s the Denver Post doing here in Rome?”

THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart) vs. RANDY SAVAGE

Savage attacks with a chair before the match, hitting him over the head time and time again! The referee pulls the chair away, and Giant launches Savage into the ringpost, and then gorilla presses him into the ring! THAT starts the match, and Giant goes for the Chokeslam, but Savage blocks with a kick to the midsection. Jimmy rushes with a chair, but Savage brushes him off and sends him out of the ring. He grabs the chair, which draws in HUGH MORRUS and BIG BUBBER. Savage chases them off, cracks the Giant over the head, and THE FACES OF FEAR are now on the scene. Savage bolts, this is LONG over at around 1:00. Giant leaps (!!!) over the top rope like a cruiserweight to the floor, and he angrily RUSHES to the back. DUD


The announcers wrap. Weren’t we promised the fourth man reveal tonight? More mindgames. Back later with the universe of WCW Prime.

Monday, August 18, 2014

WCW Worldwide: August 18, 1996

More tightly canned than Popeyes spinach, it’s time for WCW Worldwide!

TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN welcome us to Worldwide, but there is no time for this because we need to go straight to the ring.

HIGH VOLTAGE vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY

Later tonight, we see the Steiner Brothers take on Harlem Heat. Perfect, I love fresh matchups. Rock blocks a tilt-a-whirl with an armdrag, holds Kaos captive and tags in Grunge. A clothesline gets 2. Rage tags in, and gets hiptossed. TPE double teams him, but Kaos gets involved now and a delayed backdrop leaves Rock writhing in pain. Kneedrop from Kaos sets up a butterfly suplex from Rage for 2. Vertical suplex gets 2. Rage hits a powerslam, setting up a top rope senton to beat Rock at his own game, but Rocco moves and makes the hot tag! Grunge cleans house, and a scoop slam on Rage sets up the Drive By for the win at 5:03. *1/2

HUGH MORRUS (with Jimmy Hart) vs. “HARD WORK” BOBBY WALKER

Walker is instantly distracted by the presence of RON THE LEPRECHAUN who is running around the ring gnashing his teeth, and Hugh flattens his opponent with a springboard clothesline – picking Walker up at 2. Never a good idea, Huge Erection. Spinning heel kick gets 2, but again only because Morrus opts not to take the pin. Scoop slam mercifully sets up No Laughing Matter for the win at 2:05. DUD

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is with THE GIANT and JIMMY HART. Dang, I was hoping he turned up Sergeant Buddy Lee Parker of the State Patrol who has been missing for months. Giant calls Hogan a chameleon (new gimmick?), and then points out he can’t possibly be a big, stinky, nasty, wart infested giant if he has a card to the Playboy mansion and smells great. No, seriously, that just happened. PS: It’s Hogan who stinks. Strong words.

DISCO INFERNO (with Gold Record) vs. UNNAMED JOBBER

I think this is the first time we’ve seen Disco since his failed Cruiserweight title shot at Bash at the Beach. Allegedly, Casey Kasem told Heenan that Disco’s the hottest act in music today, and Dick Clark is going to re-start bandstand to have Disco on as the host. Disco wins with one of the saddest Stunners you’ll ever see at 3:07. I feel for the kid with the Backlund babyface, no muscle definition, and completely unworthy of a name. DUD

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. BILLY KIDMAN

Chavo throws Kidman with a German release suplex. Pffft, I saw a man take 16 of those last night from Brock Lesnar. Chavo works a hammerlock in an effort to slow Kidman down. Heenan suggests that Chavo and Eddie team up, and form a great team together. I doubt that would ever work, don’t be crazy. Chavo misses a blind charge, and falls to the floor. Kidman rolls him back in, and hits a slingshot legdrop for 2. Belly to belly suplex gets 2! Kidman works an armbar, but Chavo wriggles loose. He hits Kidman with a running legdrop, but it only gets 2. Kidman comes back with a victory roll, but it gets 2. Chavo comes back right away with a cradle for 2. Kidman with a backslide, but another close 2. Tony starts selling it like we’re in the middle of a 30 minute legendary match, as Chavo finishes with an Oklahoma roll at 5:48. This was just ok, with no hint of what either guy was really capable of at all. **

LEX LUGER has been caught by “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND for an interview. Luger says WCW is #1 because of the work horses that have been there, and not these clowns with their shades that just strolled on in and think they can take over. Luger can’t wait until they have to wrestle by WCW’s rules, so they can show how “cool” they really are. You know who sounded decidedly uncool here? Lex Luger.

THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Colonel Robert Parker) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Tony comes clean that this was recorded before Hog Wild, which should give away the results of this one. Spoiler tags, Tony! Heenan: “The Steiners are no slouches, despite the fact I make fun of them because they’re stupid looking.” Tony calls for a commercial break, but swears we won’t miss anything.

Amazingly, Tony wasn’t lying – because the bell hasn’t even rung by the time we come back. What do we think happened during the 3 minute time out? Did they just stand there looking dumb? Did they have an arm wrestling match? Did the Colonel whip up a batch of fried chicken for the fans using his 13 secret herbs and spices? Scott Steiner launches Stevie with an overhead belly to belly for 2. Booker tags in and gets powerslammed by Rick. In comes Scott, who eats a Harlem sidekick. Scott comes right back with a pumphandle slam for 2. Stevie pulls on Scott’s giant mullet, and Booker stomps a mudhole. Stevie delivers a powerslam for 2. Stevie hits a sidewalk slam, and Booker follows with a second rope legdrop for 2. Booker goes to the well again, this time missing a diving headbutt. Both guys tag out, and Rick Steiner punches everything in sight. Stuff breaks down, and Rick hits Stevie with a bulldog, which draws in the Colonel for the DQ at 5:48, the exact same length as the last match. I could really, really do without seeing the Heat vs Steiners again for a very, very, very long time. *1/2

Next week: Maxx! Jimmy Powers! High Voltage! Nasty Boys! Faces of Fear! ALL THE BIGGEST NAMES!

Tony reminds us to order Fall Brawl. What’s booked? WHO KNOWS?


Goodnight!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

WCW Saturday Night: August 17, 1996



One of the biggest weeks in WCW history has finally come to a close, and even the company is so darned tired out from all this booking that WCW Saturday Night has been condensed to an hour this week. Also, the Braves play at 7:05.

TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES welcome us to the show, and I have to assume this is a relatively fresh edition, or else we’re gonna be faced with some really choppy storylines. Tony recaps Hogan’s turn on Brutus Beefcake, but has no time to add anything because we need to head to the ring RIGHT NOW.

ROUGH & READY vs. THE BLUE BLOODS (with Jeeves)

Thankfully, Tony uses the match to finish his thoughts on the Beefcake affair, instead of focusing on any of that pesky wrestling. Tonight’s combo is Dave Taylor and the Earl of Eaton. Regal is nowhere to be seen. Maybe he’s found the missing Fit Finlay, and they’re brawling in a parking lot somewhere. Taylor starts with Enos, and is *really* upset with the USA chants. I mean, this guy is stomping and twitching, those letters really get to him. Enos locks Taylor back to the corner, but a break is forced and Taylor washes himself clean of the swine. Enos goes for a slam, but Taylor schoolboys him for 2. In rushes Dirty Dick to club him in the back of the head, and a neckbreaker drops Taylor. He manages to roll away and tag in Eaton, and drops Enos to set up the Alabama Jam. Slater saves the day, and Eaton is dumped to the floor. A double suplex brings him back in, and Enos scores the pin at 3:00. Rough and Ready? REALLY??? WCW should be ashamed of themselves. *

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND has tracked down the missing STEVEN REGAL. Regal has a big announcement: He is a dirty rotten scoundrel, and he hates Americans with a passion. He tells everyone not to worry about the nWo, but to focus on himself. He promises to bring WCW back to the top, as its champion, and Hogan best watch out. Then, in case he hadn’t made enough enemies, he promises to rip Luger’s bouncing pecs right off his chest and take the TV Title. Flair too can bring his US title, and “those two bloody tarts”, and he’ll take his gold too. I am really hoping this is a prophetic promo.

HIGH VOLTAGE, JOE GOMEZ, and THE RENEGADE vs. THE FOUR HORSEMEN (with Debra McMichael, Elizabeth, and Woman)

Team Loser spends a lot of time trying to get the fans to react, and while they don’t visually do anything, the canned heat cannot get enough of this quartet of unsustainability. Mongo powerslams Gomez, and hits an awful shoulderblock off the second rope. Robbie Rage is sent to the (heel?) corner, and the Horsemen take turns squaring off on him. Eventually, Benoit is left alone with him, which is never good for your long term life expectancy, and he dragon screws Rage with some serious snap. The knee is driven into the mat, and then Benoit adds a powerbomb because why not? That draws in Flair to finish with the Figure Four, he cheats with the ropes and Woman’s leverage, and Team Moron just stands there watching as Rage taps out at 2:48. *1/2

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs the Horsemen on their way back to the locker room. Benoit says Hogan hasn’t seen adversity yet. Mongo orders Hogan to go back to Japan and find Godzilla as his fourth man. Hogan would mis-hear this, and eventually go to Korea to bring back Rodzilla. Flair reminds Hogan he hasn’t beat up Arn Anderson, because he can’t do it, and neither can Hogan.

THE NASTY BOYS vs. “HARDWORK” BOBBY WALKER and MARK STARR

NICK PATRICK is the referee here – let’s pay attention kids. Also suspiciously, Starr isn’t wearing his hard hat. Is this a sign he’s turned on the Union, and gone rogue with this so-called “Hard Work” scumbag Walker? Is NOTHING safe here in WCW anymore? Will the union file a grievance? Walker gets some air off the top hitting an axehandle on Saggs, but that’s all he gets as the Nastys run him over like a freight train. Knobbs hits a drop toe hold on Starr, and Saggs follows with a pumphandle slam. Knobbs hits a second rope splash, and that’s all she wrote at 3:03. Well, that seems to confirm Patrick’s on the level, we can stop all the baseless speculation. 1/2*

Meanwhile, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND” is with SISTA SHERRI and COLONEL ROBERT PARKER. The Steiners tonight will be getting their 5th shots at the belts over the last 2 weeks. The Colonel is sweating bullets, and blames it on Sherri’s heat – oh my. He’s proud of walking down with the hottest woman in the world, and the greatest tag-team in the world. “I OWN HARLEM HEAT!” Is it any wonder they got sued for racism? Christ.

THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Colonel Robert Parker and Sista Sherri) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Referee tonight is PEE WEE ANDERSON, so no excuses this time. Tony announces that on Monday, apparently the 4th member of the nWo will show themselves. Elsewhere, there’s a match going on, and Rick Steiner beats on Stevie Ray. Stevie comes back with a slam, but misses the follow up elbowdrop, and an irate Scott Steiner comes in to whoop a sucka. Booker tags in, and takes a hiptoss. T-bone suplex brings Booker back to tougher times on the streets on Harlem, but he shakes it off and drops Scotty with a Harlem sidekick. Versatility! Scott comes right back with a dragon suplex that can’t be good for anyone’s neck, and Stevie understand the repercussions so he breaks it up quickly. Harlem sidekick #2 (or if you’re Tony, “leaping spinwheel kick!”), and Booker goes up. Missile dropkick is blocked with an overhead belly to belly release suplex. That draws in the NASTY BOYS who attack the Steiners for the DQ at 3:24! Is THIS the nWo? They also lay out the Harlem Heat, and then attack SHERRI of all people. Colonel dives in to help his woman, and then demands the camera come over. He insists the Nastys will get their comeuppance for this. *

THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NEW WORLD ORDER

The Outsiders are hanging around in Italy, because the nWo spares no expense. Hall comments about the ruins all around them. Nash: “Hey, what’s the Denver Post doing in Rome?” Hall gives WCW the “we told you so” routine. They mock the Giant. Nash says they’re modern day gladiators here in Rome. They want nothing to do with the Booty Man, but Nash wonders if the Booty Babe is willing to talk. They turn their talk to Sting and Luger, for getting their asses whopped for months, and they still can’t win.

THE PRECEEDING ANNOUNCEMENT WAS PAID FOR BY THE NEW WORLD ORDER

JIM POWERS vs. THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart)

I feel like I’ve seen every variation of Jim Powers boxed in with handicap matches against the Giant, so I don’t understands how we’re supposed to believe he has a fighting chance here, but let’s give it a go. Powers hits Giant with about a dozen forearms, which Giant no-sells. Chokeslam lifts Powers about 10 feet in the air, and Giant wins at 0:42. “HOGAN, I AM NOT GOING AWAY!” DUD

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants a word before we head off the air. Hart says the sleeping Giant is away. Giant says he’s been sending messages all week – and his track record since he joined WCW has been unchallenged. He says if Hogan wants to hit him with a dump truck, he’s cool with that, it won’t stop him. I think I’d like to see that. “When you least expect it, I will be there”. And like that, Gene sends them RIGHT off the air. That’s all until Worldwide tomorrow. Peace!

WCW Clash Of The Champions XXXIII: August 15, 1996



The mood on Monday night was a defeated mood. With new champion, who was also the REALLY old champion, Hollywood Hulk Hogan in charge, the majority of the WCW roster threw their arms up and decided “hey, you won”.

Oh sure, Sting and Luger still have a little spark in the gas tank, and Konan is off on Planet Konan where he seemingly can’t decide whether or not he is all for Hogan, or against Hogan. Glacier is still coming, but whether he arrives before the next ice age to help is a mystery. The Giant has been neutered. And Ric Flair might in fact be the 4th man.

But hope is not lost. Larry Zbyszko is showing the kind of fire he usually reserves for the golf course. Bobby Heenan is sometimes vindicated, but often drunk. And between the round spin high kicks, Eric Bischoff does not appear to be a big fan of the New World Order.

It’s an announcer uprising. And it continues tonight, on the Clash of Champions.

LIVE from Denver, Colorado, it’s Clash of Champions XXXIII! TONY SCHIAVONE is joined by “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN who looks about as happy to be there as a man throwing deck after deck of cards into a 10 gallon hat (Gambler excluded).

DEAN MALENKO vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)

MIKE TENAY joins the booth in order to ensure that the announcers not get tongue tied trying to call this thing (AKA, Tony’s an idiot). Malenko attacks before the bell, but Rey rolls to the floor to escape. Malenko follows, by which point Rey is back in the ring. A dropkick leaves Malenko there, and Rey comes at him with a baseball slide which he converts into a rana! Tony mentions this is their fourth matchup, with the only one I’ve missed appearing on WCW Pro (which I would happily recap if I had copies of it, because four shows + PPV and Clashes isn’t enough). Speaking of copies, my screen goes black. For an extended period of time. HRMPH! By the time we return, 2 minutes have passed, and Malenko has Rey tied up in a rear naked choke variation. And then we take a break. Up yours, WCW!

Back from break, Rey manages to dodge move after move, with springboards and counters – action is fast and furious now. Eventually he ties Malenko up in confusion, and Rey is able to bridge back on a pin attempt for 2. Malenko, irritated, grapevines the leg. Tony’s pretty enthused here, he can’t stop talking about Nick Patrick who is not the referee in this match. The boys run the ropes, and Rey drops down which sends Malenko to the floor. A swinging dropkick sets up a springboard senton backsplash! Malenko tries to whip Rey into the guardrail, but Mysterio leaps onto it and hits a moonsault! Back in, a springboard dropkick gets 2. Malenko tries a tilt-a-whirl, but Rey counters his weight mid-air and lands on top for 2. Frankensteiner gets 2! Rey is moving fast now, words you’ll never hear in 2014. Up top, Malenko catches Rey this time and applies a fireman’s carry – turns it into a super gutbuster(!!!), and scores the pinfall at 9:06, despite Rey’s foot on the ropes. Then the referee notices, and re-starts the match. In the confusion, Rey gets an Oklahoma roll, and retains at 9:28! Deano was royally screwed here, not cool Pee Wee Anderson. ***

MOTHER OF GOD! Glacier is COMING!

VK WALLSTREET vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN

I’m sorry, is it 3 months ago? I haven’t seen either of these clowns in ages, and I was *totally cool with that*! Could THIS not have aired in the main event slot on Prime that got clipped? Wallstreet calls himself far too smart for Duggan, so Jim slams his head into the buckle about 400 times and sticks out his tongue. Hiptoss sets up a clothesline, and Duggan goes into the 3 point stance. Wallstreet hits the floor, and starts looking for a prop. He comes up empty, but he’s able to regain control anyway. An elbow gets less than 1, because Jim Duggan is better than you. A back elbow drops him for 1. Duggan fights out of a headlock by hitting a Stone Cold Stunner. Swinging scoop slam, and Duggan loads the fist. The referee tries to stop it, and Wallstreet rolls up Duggan for the win at 3:52. Two identical finishes in a row, strong creativity yall. *

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is with the NASTY BOYS. Saggs wants to fight nasty. Knobbs re-affirms his loyalty to the Nasty Boys, and promises to make a nasty statement. Nasty.

THE ULTIMATE DRAGON (with Sonny Onoo) vs. KONAN

Dragon is #3 on Dr. Unlikely’s “ones to watch” list as potential nWo members, so we’ll need to keep our eyes on him here. I’d have been concerned with #10, Glacier, but he has still not come. Both guys here are heels, so the fans boo everything. Konan puts Dragon in a really convoluted Sharpshooter that no reasonable human being would ever allow themselves to get tied up in, but he escapes in short order. Dragon bounces off Konan like a pinball, because I guess all 5’9” of the man is just too much for Dragon to handle. A dropkick sends Konan to the floor, and Sonny attacks with kicks, but Konan grabs him by the throat – missing Dragon flying in off the top buckle. Back in, a top rope moonsault sets up La Majistral, but that’s only 2! Dragon suplex into a bridge is reversed by Konan, he hooks the tights, and gets the pin at 2:59. Not cool. *

If you log on to CompuServe right now, you can chat with ICE TRAIN. Or, rather, you COULD have been had SCOTT NORTON not run in and beat him up! This is all a stark reminder that there was a time that people actually used CompuServe.

MENG (with Jimmy Hart) vs. “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE

Macho no shows, so “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND storms the right to ask senior referee NICK PATRICK what he knows about this? It turns out that Savage is too injured to fight after the chair shot on Monday, and Meng is declared the winner by forfeit. Meng wins! Meng wins! MOTYC

Gene welcomes out the rest of the DUNGEON OF DOOM – I spy The Barbarian, Hugh Morrus, and Kevin Sullivan. They want to share their recipe for a homemade remoulade. Sullivan starts with a half a cup of mayonnaise … wait, sorry, I changed over to Food Network. They’re actually talking about Hulk Hogan. RON THE LEPRECHAUN runs around outside the ring gnashing his teeth. Sullivan is offended nobody takes the Dungeon of Doom seriously anymore. Anymore? Kev, I have news for ya.

BULL NAKANO (with Sonny Onoo) vs. MADUSA

Nakano dodges a dropkick, which is not easy to do with that hair. She throws Madusa around the ring like a Frisbee, and Sonny tosses her some nunchucks. Heenan: “Lovely woman!” With the referee distracted, Madusa is pounded with the nunchucks, and a big splash gets 1. Madusa botches a crossbody, which Nakano sells like death. A couple of hair pull moves get 2. Madusa tries a sunset flip, but Nakano just sits down on her for 2. Nakano heads up – but Madusa kicks her to the floor. Then Madusa flies off the top buckle, but Nakano dodges and Madusa hits Sonny! Back in, Sonny tries to kick Madusa but he nails Nakano instead, and Madusa rolls her up for the pin at 2:44. You know, when Flair and Sting wrestled to a draw at the first Clash of Champions, I’m sure that they did it with the future in mind, and matches just like this one. 1/2*

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is with RIC FLAIR, WOMAN, and ELIZABETH. Gene says that everyone in WCW is in this together to combat the nWo. Flair: “Let’s get one thing straight Gene, you and I will never be in this together, wooooo!” Woman runs her hands all over Gene, which he tries gently swatting away like a fly throughout the interview. Woman’s usual shtick is funnier than the norm tonight, and I’m far too distracted to her trying to get Gene’s attention to listen to Flair, I’m not gonna go back. The jist, I gathered, is that Hogan can never beat up Flair’s best friend the way he beat up his own.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. EDDIE GUERRERO (for the Lord of the Ring)

Class act Page spits on Eddie, and shoves him down. As he celebrates this early victory, Eddie kips up and hits Page with a rana. Eddie misses a blind charge, and cracks his shoulder against the ringpost. Page goes right for him, stomping away on Eddie. Gutwrench gutbuster sets up his tilt-a-whirl slam, and gets 2. Page locks on a headlock, and uses the ropes to his advantage. He isn’t caught, but Eddie escapes anyway. Eddie sweeps the legs, and Page does the slip on the banana peel routine. Running knee from Eddie drops Page, and a slingshot senton gets 2. Page comes back with a jawbreaker, and hits a powerbomb for 2. Mid-90’s wrestling, where powerbombs are transition moves. They battle to the top, where Eddie headbutts Page off and hits the Froggy Splash for the win AND the battlebowl ring at 4:22. ** Page offers a handshake after the match, which of course sets up the Diamond Cutter. He tosses the referee, hits a second Diamond Cutter, and that draws out CHAVO GUERRERO JR. Page knocks him away, and hits a 3rd Diamond Cutter, this time off the top rope!

For some reason, as Page walks to the back, HULK HOGAN forces “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND to the stage. Okerlund is pissed that he’s being “manhandled”. I’m shocked he hasn’t threatened a “fleet of lawyers” yet. Hogan promises to shut up all the chumps tonight. Flair isn’t even worthy to lace Hogan’s boots. He blows his analogies, by comparing himself to the Babe Ruth of wrestling and Michael Jordan of basketball. Hogan warns Gene to stay out of his face in the future.

From deep inside the iciest chambers of the Dungeon of Doom, it’s imperative that you know, and I know, that GLACIER IS COMING.

CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman and Elizabeth) vs. THE GIANT (with Jimmy Hart)

Woman goes to remove Benoit’s vest, but his arm gets caught and Giant runs at him, running him to the buckle. One of the finest Chokeslams you’ll ever see finishes at 0:23, which eases my irritation. Daniel Bryan and Sheamus would steal this finish on a much bigger stage years later. DUD

THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. STING and LEX LUGER vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Tony carries on about the amazing state of WCW’s tag-team division, which makes it all the sadder Harlem Heat are the champions. With ANY foresight, they would have left the gold on Sting and Luger to eventually drop those to the Outsiders, and they also would have fired Stevie Ray and immediately put the US title on Booker T. Sorry, I got carried away. NICK PATRICK is your referee in the world of things that make you go hmmmmm. COLONEL ROBERT PARKER storms down to ringside after the entrances, and goes straight to Sherri. Tony uses his head for the first time in a decade, by pointing out the correct strategy is to constantly tag your own partner, because if you turn it over you may lose out on being involved in the finish. Good job, Tony, you may collect a paycheque this week. Booker and Scott start, and Scotty eats a mule kick. The pair battle to the top, where Booker shoves him off, but Scotty’s back to his feet and gorilla press slams Booker genital first over the ropes! Jesus! Lex Luger then rushes in out of nowhere and clotheslines the ever loving snot out of Booker. Luger tags in as does Stevie Ray, and Luger is a house o fire. Patrick pulls him off Stevie, so Luger fires in a clothesline. He misses the next one, but Rick Steiner tags Luger and clotheslines Stevie … AND LUGER! Booyah! Top rope bulldog gets 2, saved by Luger. Stevie delivers a superkick to Rick(!), and we need to step aside for a commercial break. Enough of that!

Back from break. It’s the usual of seeing Booker getting walloped, right now by Rick Steiner. Sting tags himself in, and comes off the top at Booker, getting 2. Sting tosses Booker T out, but it’s not an over the top DQ because it’s declared “forward motion”. What the hell is with the rules in this place? Things get messy a bit, but the continuing theme is Booker T is getting destroyed. Eventually Stevie gets the not-so-hot tag, and he attacks Sting. Stevie gets too close to the Steiner corner, and Scotty tags himself. Sting and Scott Steiner is something of a dream matchup at this point; but Sting is playing hero in peril, so we don’t get what we deserve. Sting delivers a hot shot, and heads up top in the neutral corner with a bodypress for 2. Luger and Rick get into it, with Nick Patrick in the middle – and he angrily orders both guys to smarten up. Scotty with a tigerbomb for 2, saved by Luger. Rick tags, and works a headlock – but he backs into the face corner and Luger tags himself in. A clothesline flattens Rick, but a blind charge misses and Rick tosses him with ease, flawlessly delivering a release German! Scotty’s right behind with a belly to belly, and he heads up. Luger somehow catches him in midair and applies the Torture Rack in one motion! Everything falls apart as everyone hits the ring – leaving Booker and Scott alone. Booker delivers a sweet Harlem sidekick, and follows with a back elbow. THE OUTSIDERS make an appearance now as Scott Steiner hits a Frankensteiner! 1 … 2 … Patrick spies the Outsiders in the aisle, and throws the match out at 10:35! Scott Steiner goes ballistic, grabbing Patrick by the collar and screaming all kinds of Turner unfriendly words! Dr. Unlikely, please update your rankings to include Harlem Heat. ***

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND grabs Patrick on his way to the back, and demands to know what happened? Gene asks if they got in the ring, he said no, but they interfered and every printed rulebook today would have his back. Gene screams they didn’t even get within 30 feet of the ring, and Patrick points out that what makes a referee great is being able to see 2 things at the same time. He doesn’t want to get hauled down the WCW offices, but he followed the book to the letter of the law. “I’m innocent, WCW all the way Gene.” Gene mentions he’s seen the Armani suits in Patrick’s closet. Can we make this a new segment? “Mean Gene rifles through people’s stuff”, or MGRTPS.

RIC FLAIR (with Elizabeth and Woman) vs. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (for the WCW world heavyweight title)

The result of this one should not be in doubt. There is absolutely no chance they’re getting the belt off Hulk this soon, we’re in for a long, long ride. Flair slaps on a headlock while Heenan mentions that Hogan’s always been selfish, and he’s been telling us this for years. Hogan lifts Flair out of the headlock and puts him on the top rope, where Flair bitch slaps him. Hogan sells it with shock, and quickly puts Flair in a hammerlock on the mat. On their feet, Hogan misses a clothesline and Flair chops away. Hogan hits the deck, where a SERIOUSLY IRATE FAN has been waiting to give Hogan a piece of her mind. Hogan threatens to knock her head off, but Flair comes in off the apron with an axehandle. Back in, Hogan wants to do a test of strength, so Flair accepts and starts biting his knuckle! Hogan screams, and Flair throws some more chops. Outside the ring they go again, and Hogan throws Ric face first to the ring post, knocking him out cold. Back in, Flair ducks a clothesline and punches Hogan between the eyes. Vertical suplex, but Hogan starts hulking up. He no sells all of Flair’s punches and does the old routine. YOU, block punch, punch, punch, big boot, but he misses the legdrop and Flair slaps on the figure four in the middle of the ring! Flair uses the ladies for leverage, but Hogan manages to turn it over … only for Flair to turn it over the other way! Hogan grabs at the referee, and throws him into the buckle knocking him out. That draws in THE OUTSIDERS, as Hogan taps out, so Flair is forced to break the hold to do battle. The trio stomp Flair into nothing, but THE HORSEMEN, STING, and LEX LUGER rush in to chase them away. The match is declared a DQ win for Ric 8:32. ** That was a nice change to the usual Hogan/Flair formula.

Hogan poses with the belt at the top of the ramp, and declares himself the most powerful man in wrestling. Arn locks eyes with him, and leads the army right in Hogan’s direction, but he’s already behind the curtain. The announcers hype Sting and Luger taking on the Outsiders on Monday, and we wrap.