Saturday, November 22, 2014

WCW Worldwide: November 17, 1996

I don’t mean to moisten your knickers, but tonight is a pretty big show. Disco Inferno, Brad Armstrong, Billy Kidman, and The Public Enemy are ALL scheduled to be here. Do you know why the nWo hasn’t bothered with this show? Because every week, they see the beastly lineup, and can’t figure out how they’d successfully “take over” without getting their collective asses handed to them. Given all the baseball bats in the world, they’d have no chance to fend off Billy Kidman, and his size 12 waist.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN.

DISCO INFERNO vs. ALEX WRIGHT

Tony points out that the winner of World War 3 will either be someone they predict, or someone they don’t predict. That’s actually his selling point. I will say this, I love that NICK PATRICK apparently has the fair hair growth of a werewolf. On Saturday Night, he’ll be sporting a full goatee, on Worldwide he likes to trim down to a rockin’ moustache, before going goatee again on Nitro. He is also refereeing here. The fans start cheering and booing right off the bell, sounding much like the crowd on nWo Saturday Night. Disco is concerned about messing up his hair, which both Tony and the fans take issue with. I wish they wouldn’t judge. Wright applies a side headlock with zero regard for Disco’s mousse application. Disco comes back with a headlock of his own, which seems to keep Wright at bay, so he stops to shake his booty. Of course, Wright snaps off a headscissors takeover immediately. Avalanche is missed, and Wright smacks his head on the buckle HARD. Disco is right there with a neckbreaker, but he dances before going for the pinfall and only gets 2. Wright comes back with a belly to belly for 2. Tony feels that Wright is showing the stuff he needs to win World War 3, as he connects with a missile dropkick for the win at 4:07. The fans legitimately lose their minds in happiness over this, I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but the entire place is on their feet clapping, screaming and dancing. **

BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.

Tony declares this a matchup of two of the “greatest Cruiserweights in the world!” And when you have a matchup with the very best, you turn to NICK PATRICK. I’m impressed that WCW is so popular that apparently the ticket packages are now on a per-match basis, because this is a completely different crowd. Of course, you can only have a demand for tickets like this if you’re forever featuring the best, in this case, two of the best Cruiserweights in the world. Chavo hits a dropkick, and locks Armstrong in a hammerlock, a staple of any lightweight division. Fans chant USA, because El Paso declared their independence in late 1993, making Chavo a foreigner. Chavo nails a Frankensteiner and hooks the legs for 2. Armstrong fires back with a powerbomb for the win at 3:31. This was awful. 1/2*

JERRY LYNN vs. BILLY KIDMAN

I know I say it EVERY time Jerry Lynn wrestles, but I can’t get over the fact he uses Jerry Flynn’s music. Nor can I get over the fact that NICK PATRICK has been assigned a 3rd straight match, but this IS featuring two of the greatest Cruiserweights in the world. So, Heenan starts talking about Syxx in a way that seems a little too personal, and Tony accuses him of working with the nWo. Bobby backtracks, and I’ll leave the rest to verbatim.

Tony (sounding legit pissed): “I think it’s very obvious to everyone here that you have been communicating with members of the nWo. And I’m gonna put you on the spot. You look out for yourself, you always have, always will! If they make you a better offer than WCW, you leave! You’d leave today! You’d leave me high and dry, you’d leave us! Armdrag takedown by Billy Kidman. Now respond, oh self-centred one!”

Bobby: “Yes, that was an armdrag.”

There will never be any better than Bobby Heenan.

Of course, he eventually tells us the truth, which is he’d join the nWo in a heartbeat if Hogan wasn’t involved, but as long as he’s there, no chance. Lynn hiptosses Kidman a couple of times, but Kidman fires back with a springboard bulldog for 2. Lynn hits a rana, but can’t score the pinfall. Kidman uses his small package, but it does little damage. Lynn comes off the top with a crossbody, which is usually the end on this show, but only 2 today. Kidman manages to dodge a dropkick, hit a slam, and finishes with the Shooting Star Press at 3:42. **1/2

PRINCE NAKAMAKI vs. CHRIS JERICHO

Tony: “Boy oh boy, Prince Iaukea is here!” No one will ever question his enthusiasm. Have I told you recently that Chris Jericho is a wiener? Probably, but this time I’ll let HIM tell you.


This is a man in more dire need of a heel turn than John Cena. Jericho hits a back elbow, before both guys hit each other with dropkicks. They share a handshake because they’re BOTH wieners. Tony continues his nWo interrogation of Bobby, even though he already gave the best alibi on the planet with the Hogan hate. Iaukea takes over the offense for several minutes, which is code for “very little happens”. Jericho comes back with a spinning heel kick, before trading Oklahoma rolls with each other, which happens to be Jim Ross’ nickname when he heads to the beach. Iaukea hits the Northern Lights, but Jericho kicks out at 2. Well, that finisher is killed. Jericho comes back with a suplex, screams “ARE YOU READY?”, hits the Lionsault, and scores the win at 4:19. *1/2

JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY

This is your main event, though I imagine that should have been obvious with these names. Everyone shakes hands for the 4th match in a row, and Bobby declares this the worst week of Worldwide ever. Gomez tosses Grunge around for awhile, but eventually gets kicked in the face. A swinging neckbreaker gets 2. A double clothesline leaves Gomez dizzy, and he tags in Renegade, who powerslams Rock for 2. Renegade misses a blind charge, and slams the buckle. Everyone trades off, and Grunge beats the piss out of Gomez. Gomez botches a sunset flip, so Grunge just sits on him. A double boot sets up a double elbow drop, and Grunge leaves the ring. A moonsault from Rock misses, and Gomez hits a clothesline. Hot tag to Renegade after Gomez was in there for a whole minute, and everything breaks down. Renegade is promptly tossed, and the Drive By finishes at 4:17. Hey, he wasn’t legal! *

On a serious note, if we throw in referee Pee Wee Anderson, 80% of the people in the main event are no longer with us, all of 18 years later. Steroids, drug habits, concussions, and depression are no joke, and I’m genuinely happy the WWE has taken SOME steps in the right direction to correct these destructive areas. Of course, none of that applies to Pee Wee Anderson, who was an unfortunate victim of testicular cancer. I’m 32-years old, and of an age where stuff like that starts to become important, so without getting too preachy, guys, get checked.

Closing on a lighter note, Heenan and Tony talk about Sting to close the show. Heenan grabs the stick, and calls out Sting. He says some people believe WCW needs him. However, Sting needs to stop pouting and walking around in black and white because he thinks he was “backstabbed”. Either join the nWo already, or come home. Tony: “Thanks Reverend, I’m sure he’ll listen to you since he hasn’t to anyone else.”

Next week, Glacier, Brad Armstrong, and Rick Steiner are all in the house. Are they trying to pop a big rating or something?

Nitro tomorrow, where we’ll finally answer the question on everyone’s mind: Has Piper released a statement through his agent citing his embarrassment for the footage we were subjected to last week? If he needs a little PR clean up, I have his back.

To all my fans around the world:

Last week, a music video aired, that contained footage of me frolicking around on a beach, and singing that I was your man. Today, I stand before you to admit that yes, years ago in Germany, I did make that video. And I’m ashamed of its contents.

I want everyone to know that I do not believe in what you witnessed. As a God fearing Christian man, I will prove to you through my actions, and not my words, that my days of metrosexual softcore music videos are behind me. I want to move forward. WCW needs a hero at this time, and that person is not me, not now.

I would like to extend a huge debt of gratitude to Eric Bischoff for letting me speak my mind when I went face to face with that walking tanning bed, Hollywood Hogan. But after last week’s actions, it’s clear I am not ready to carry the torch. I fully endorse Lex Luger as the man who should represent WCW at Starrcade.

Finally, I request that you respect the privacy of my family as we deal with this tumultuous footage.

Respectfully,

Roderick Piper

Friday, November 21, 2014

WCW Saturday Night: November 16, 1996

LostInUbe writes: Wait, so IF the nWo had offered DDP a spot earlier he would have joined them? So his standing up to the nWo is not about supporting WCW but about his hurt feelings?

Of course he would have, and it would have been completely in character. Here’s the thing about DDP, he’s a *total* scumbag who would screw over anyone to better himself. But he needs to feel like the most important guy in the room. He had Kimberly dancing around the ring for years, holding up scores of “10” to remind him how great he was. He wouldn’t even hand over the worthless BattleBowl ring to Eddie Guerrero after a loss, even though it has absolutely NO value, because it’s a reminder that he was awesome one night in May. Everything is about Diamond Dallas Page.

By neglecting Page until 7 other guys joined, he was basically being told “you’re worth less to us than Virgil”. And that, by anyone’s standards, and especially an egomaniac like Diamond Dallas Page, is NOT ok. So by staying with WCW, he can still worry about himself because nobody else is working in simpatico anyway, making him nobody’s lackey. He would have done the same thing if WCW had come to him as Sting’s replacement for War Games.

Dr. Unlikely on Piper: I have distinct memories of watching the mysterious package stuff happen and just being completely thrown by how weird the whole thing was. Like, they played a whole music video by actor "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. A music video that contained a SECRET MESSAGE and was delivered by a mysterious courier who hopped the barrier and hand-delivered it to Tony Schiavone on live TV and they just went ahead and put it on, presumably (knowing what we're going to know on the next show) without anyone in the company previewing it first. It could have had a murder on it! It could have had a curse on it that made everyone who watched Nitro die in seven days!

So, let's assume that Piper sent this and that Tony - using his critical analysis skills as a telejournalist - was right that, what we were supposed to focus on was the Piper vs. Hogan marquee. Does that man Piper really had been angling for this for four years at this point, but this was the first opportunity to get that message to anyone? Or did Piper need to find a way to secretly deliver that message and was like "Oh, yeah, I got that weird-ass music video I randomly made that one time, got Hogan's name in it, I'll pay some guy to hop the rail and give it to Schiavone if security doesn't kill him first"?

It truly was mind-boggling how incredibly stupid the entire deal was. We are supposed to believe that a LIVE television show is prepared to show whatever’s on this tape, because it might be relevant to the product. But what happens if they put it in the VCR and hit play just as Ron Jeremy’s letting loose a seven roper all over TNT? That’s probably the second most likely thing on the tape. (Most likely: The mid-90’s equivalent of the YouTube Vlog, featuring the dude staring in the camera and awkwardly giving his “take” on the wrestling business.)

But then, because there were 4 or 5 shots of the Marquee Event at the start of the music video, the secret message was that Roddy Piper wanted a match with Hogan. Congratulations, you cracked the code. If they’d spent 5 minutes talking to him at any point during the last 25 years, they’d have reached the same conclusion. Piper was angling for a match with Hogan at Wrestlemania as recently as this year! He’s the real life equivalent of Sal Bandini, and he’ll be popping up in Hogan’s life until they’re 90 years old, asking “wanna wrestle?”

We all could have saved ourselves a world of embarrassment if Twitter had existed in 1996. Tony: “Fans, we’re taking you now to a ‘Tweet’ from Roddy Piper, which reads ‘at RealHulkHogan, Starrcade? Hashtag WCW Hashtag Piper’s Pit Hashtag I’m Your Man.’ Brain, it sounds like Roddy Piper wants Hollywood Hogan at Starrcade, and he’s telling us he’s the man. We’ll check in with the nWo later who I’m sure will have a lot to say, but first, let’s take you back to Saturday Night where Brad Armstrong’s date that was set up on ‘Tinder’ turned out to be a ruse by one M Wallstreet.”

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and the KOOL AID MAN. Sorry, that’s Dusty Rhodes. He’s speculatin’ about Sting’s face paint, they a different colah if you weel. With ANY hope, this means they’re completely abandoned the Piper angle after Monday’s atrocity. (Spoiler: Full steam ahead!)


“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. THE GAMBLER

Full-fledged riverboat Gambler tonight, AND he’s stolen that giant deck of cards from the Price Is Right! That’s dedication to one’s character! Duggan stomps around like an elephant with herpes, screaming and hollering the entire way. He pounds on the Gambler, while Dusty preps to filibuster about. Dusty says Gambler’s still lookin’ for his first trip to the pay windah, unfortunate for a man trying to keep himself in action. Duggan bites Gambler in the ear, but doesn’t get disqualified because WCW sucks. Nick Patrick wouldn’t have stood for it. A scoop slam leads to Duggan reaching around into the deepest part of his trucks, whipping out … a roll of tape. The referee isn’t having that, so Duggan tosses it to Gambler, who’s so confused that he gets nailed by the 3 Point Stance for the Duggan win at 2:30. Tony is all over patting Duggan on the back for not cheating. HOW DIDN’T HE CHEAT? He used the tape, an ILLEGAL OBJECT, to distract his opponent. Bruno Sammartino would be spinning on Frank Gotch’s grave! 1/2*

HUGH MORRUS vs. JIM POWERS (with Teddy Long)

Morrus is without the cavalry; but they’re probably preparing to defend the Leprechaun in his upcoming match with Jack Boot. Somehow, the WCW executive team took a look at tonight’s card, saw the name of Jim Powers, and didn’t immediately think “yes, this would be a good non-controversial place for Nick Patrick to referee.” It’s like they’re learning. Powers hits a scoop slam, but Morrus clotheslines and tosses him out of the ring. Powers comes back in and tries a crossbody, landing safely in the awaiting arms of Morrus who slams him with ease. Powers finds himself locked in a bear hug, and the HGH is literally being squeezed from his pores. He breaks loose, and goes to slam Morrus, who’s way too fat and falls on top for 2. Despite being well in control, Morrus cheats and chokes the man out. The referee keeps control, by giving Morrus 5 seconds to release. Even today’s modern non-violent parent shows less restraint. Powers mounts a comeback for like 3 seconds before being given the No Laughing Matter at 5:09. Tony’s excited to announce that Hugh Morrus will be in the Battle Royal at World War 3! *1/2

TONY SCHIAVONE (hey, I thought we had Gene back!) stands with JIMMY HART and KEVIN SULLIVAN. Hart is so happy he wants to kiss Tony (from which Tony hilariously backs away), because the Faces of Fear have been added to the World Tag-Team Title match! YES! *I* want to kiss Tony Schiavone! Meanwhile, Sullivan’s still grumbling about Benoit for some reason. Sullivan vows after they fight in Baltimore on a house show they are inexplicably hyping the crap out of, that one of them won’t be reporting to the PPV the next night. Benoit’s history says neither of them will.

HECTOR GUERRERO vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman)

So, Hector’s appearance on Monday wasn’t some sort of inside joke? He’s actually on WCW’s roster? Benoit of course was destroyed by the Dungeon of Doom Monday, and is a little tender tonight. NICK PATRICK referees inexplicably, he has no beef here. Hector takes full advantage, backdropping Benoit to the floor and then hitting a slingshot reverse plancha. They head back in, and Benoit’s fairly upset to be fighting a 3rd tier Guerrero, hitting a hard backdrop suplex and pounding away in the corner. Guerrero sneaks in a cradle, but can’t score the pin. Benoit chokes Hector across the ropes, but upon release he misses a blind charge. Hector flies off the top with a crossbody, and goes for an abdominal stretch but Benoit’s in the ropes quickly, throwing elbows. A powerbomb from Chris seconds later scores the pin at 3:18. Good stuff here. Tune in next week when Mondo Guerrero makes his debut. **

Benoit storms off to the back, and enters HUGH MORRUS’ dressing room. (Morrus has his own dressing room!?!?!) He destroys Morrus with broken brooms over his back, before what appears to be ICE TRAIN and KENNY KAOS attack, and get laid out immediately. Morrus screams violently, while everything is bleeped out.

JACK BOOT and HARDBODY HENDERSON vs. HIGH VOLTAGE

Kaos sure recovered fast. Hardbody Henderson? How will his twin brother Hardbody Harrison feel about this? Voltage kills both in short order, with Kaos nearly scoring the pin via Hart Attack, but the NASTY BOYS hit the ring and decide to wipe the floor with everyone at 1:20. Jack Boot should consider joining the State Patrol, there’s no way Buddy Lee Parker would have put up with this. DUD

Knobbs (correctly) reminds everyone they’re not wanted. Still, he hears the cheers of “NASTY”, so he thinks the fans still need them around. They made a mistake trusting his best friend, Hulk Hogan, but everyone makes mistakes, and they hope to earn everyone’s respect. They are coming across as butt hurt, vindictive, jilted ex-lovers, who turned their backs on all their friends for their possessive significant other, and once they were tossed to the curb (as everyone knew they WOULD be), they want their friends back. Careers – neutered.

Elsewhere, TONY SCHIAVONE is hanging out with JEFF JARRETT. He’s pissed at Sting for laying him out, and he feels like Sting has no reason to have beef because he’s the one who turned HIS back on WCW. He figures Sting can’t handle the truth, that he’s a traitor. Jarrett says everyone’s worried about Sting behind them – he thinks Sting needs to worry about Jeff Jarrett. Turning his attention to next Sunday; he’s going to beat the Giant and then win World War 3. Lofty goals.

JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. DEAN MALENKO (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)

Juvi gets more title shots than Wilt Chamberlain gets ladies. When he starts winning matches, this guy’s gonna hold every belt in the company. Juvi starts with the armdrags, which sends Dusty off his rocker, screaming about the Mothaship. Man, if one hurricanrana hits, he’s going to need to change his underoos. Juvi misses a springboard something, and gets nailed with a backdrop suplex. Malenko drops a knee and goes for a “whirleebirdy” (tm Dusty), but Juvi falls on top. Malenko quickly recovers and slams Juvi’s face to the buckle. Double underhook suplex gets 2. Tony says “Cable Ace Awards” about 700 times, reminding us they’re airing tonight. Malenko tries a suplex, but Juvi rolls through and gets 2. Nearly a trip to the pay windah! Malenko misses a blind charge, and Juvi hits a springboard missile dropkick, drops the Mexican People’s Elbow, and gets 2. Dean jumps to the apron, and Juvi punches him to the floor. He goes for a springboard, botches it, heads up a second time, and hits the plancha, while Malenko stands there staggering the entire time. Back in, 360 splash gets 2! They brawl to the top rope, where Malenko wins with a super gutbuster, and scores the pinfall at 6:10. **1/2

ALAN SHARPE is here tonight! NICK PATRICK with his neck brace want a word with TONY SCHIAVONE. Before we get anywhere though, Tony blindsides them with appearances from CHRIS JERICHO and TEDDY LONG. Long says that Patrick has cost Jericho every match he’s wrestled on Nitro for weeks. And, since Sharpe did some digging into Teddy’s past the other day, he went poking into his business. Starting with the fact his law firm is called Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Sharpe reminds everyone that Jericho’s father was a hockey goon, just like Jericho. Jericho angrily states this has nothing to do with his father. Long says Jericho could beat up Patrick with one hand behind his back at any time. Sharpe says that’s a verbal contract, and Jericho’s fine with that, because he knows he can beat him. Patrick says he feels like the Real Deal Holyfield, and his neck is starting to feel just a little bit better.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. THE CHEETAH KID

I’m fairly certain Iaukea’s under the hood tonight. Not that it matters, NICK PATRICK is the referee, and his good friend Page never loses. Except, something weird happens. The fans actually start a “Dee Dee Pee!” chant. They seemingly don’t want him to go to the nWo, it’s like his strong booking, confidence, and charisma is winning them over. Cheetah tries some sort of single leg crab, but Page fires back with a gutbuster and struts around taunting “come here pussy cat!” Cheetah hits a snapmare, and dropkicks Page to the apron. A springboard dropkick sends Page crashing, but Cheetah’s subsequent Asai misses and he hits the grill. Page drags him back in, but pulls Cheetah up at 2. Why? Because he wants to hit the Diamond Cutter, which he does, at 3:50. “Divide, and conquer! GOOD GAWD!” *

TONY SCHIAVONE confronts Page on his way back to the locker room, first buttering him up as a strong battle royal competitor since he won Battlebowl in May. Regarding the nWo, Tony wants to know where he’s at. Page is pissed because Nash insinuated his friendship with Bischoff went above the nWo. Page says he never wound have tipped Bischoff about the nWo and their business, because his relationship with Hall and Nash is different than his friendship with Bischoff. He says once he wins World War 3, it’s him and Hogan, and then he’ll see what Hall and Nash want to do at that time.

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS vs. BOBBY EATON and CHAVO GUERRERO JR.

For the first time since their arrival in WCW, the Canadians get the entirety of the National Anthem, which Tony talks ALL over because he has no class. NICK PATRICK is assigned again. I hope Bobby Eaton regrets his decision to turn on Dave Taylor. This cannot be considered a step up, no matter how many Guerrero family members Chavo has at his disposal. The Canadians use all their fantastic double team moves, 100% of which involve Rougeau throwing Ouellette around like a cannonball. “Vive la Quebec!” screams Jacques, which in fact is a heat magnet in every Canadian province aside from the chain smoking capital of the world. Ouellette hits Chavo with a top rope legdrop during a giant shmozz, and Rougeau follows with a double leg slam. Quebec Crash scores the easy win at 3:50, which was the same length as the last match. It’s like the matches are predetermined or something. *1/2

Meanwhile, on nWo Saturday Night, tonight’s featured competitors are …

BRIAN COSTELLO
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 242 lbs.
Reach: 35”
Fist: 18”
Hometown: Leevittsburg, OH
Pro Record: 38 & 30
Wrestling Fashion Plate 1984
Richie’s Place Guzzling Champ

JACK SHANE
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 263”
Reach: 37”
Fist: 17”
Hometown: Gregory, SD
Pro Record: 27-17
Green Wrestler Award 3 yrs.
Tri State Grappler of the Year ‘91

We’re warned to look out for Costello’s flashy tights. Your ring announcer is TED DIBIASE, who announces this match is for the WCW world tag-team titles, sanctioned by WCW. DOCTOR X is your referee. Your announcers are SCOTT HALL and KEVIN NASH. Nash worries about Shane’s ability to adjust to the left coast time change.

BRIAN COSTELLO and JACK SHANE vs. THE OUTSIDERS (with the Giant and Syxx) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

Doctor X pats down the Outsiders for illegal objects, sounding a LOT like Nick Patrick, but it can’t be as he’s not in a neck brace. Nash and Hall gush over the “history, tradition, and pride” of the belts, which are falling apart and kept together by tape. Hall chops away, as Nash announces “that’ll leave a mark, especially on THAT white skin!” Nash tags in, and keeps the stick, even calling his own sidewalk slam. Hall: “Give him the snake eyes big man!” And so he does, with Hall finishing with a clothesline. Nash throws Shane to the corner to force him to tag out, because Nash wants to work over Costello. Hall loves the yellow and green tights, and gets the tag. Hall: “In comes Hall!” Nash feels the bleached hair doesn’t work in 1996 wrestling arenas, but congratulates him for trying. Nash hits a big boot, and Hall wants an Outsider Bomb. Nash delivers, and Hall can’t believe Costello still has hair on his chest. Shane jumps over to get involved, and canned heat from the empty arena boos mercilessly. Hall flattens him with the Outsiders Edge, and the Outsiders retain at 4:41.

PSYCHOSIS vs. “LORD” STEVEN REGAL (for the WCW world television title)

Regal, always the gentleman, wipes his shoes on the apron so as not to soil the ring. I’m torn here, I don’t know what to do. I love both of these men. Can’t they each have a TV title? I think that’s the only way to go here. It worked for Jericho and Chyna, right? We get some chain wrestling, including a test of strength which Regal loses. Penzer announces there’s only 3 minutes left in television time. What the hell is that??? Both guys rock back and forth, trading 2 counts. Regal pokes Psychosis in the eyes, but I’m not quite sure how. European uppercuts, delivered at a force of roughly 0.75 Dave Taylors. Regal drops Psychosis “on a very vital part of his anatomy” says Dusty. I’ll let you guess which one, but you’d probably be wrong. Regal tries to rip the horns off Psychosis’ head, before giving up and going to the butterfly suplex. Regal smartly recognizes that time is ticking, and locks Psychosis in a chinlock. He releases, and schoolboys the challenger for 2. With 40 seconds to go, Psychosis gets a rollup for 2. However, Regal nails a European uppercut. With seconds left, Psychosis hits a spinning heel kick, connects with the guillotine legdrop, and time runs out at 5:23. ** Yes, you read that right. And even though we’re out of TV time …

TONY SCHIAVONE still finds time to talk to his Lordship. We were so robbed here, I’m not happy. Regal says he’s the only champion left in WCW, and he’s ready to lead them. He could even make Piper sound sedated if they let him. He feels he could show Dean Malenko how to beat Psychosis at the pay-per-view, but without his help he has no chance. And when Psychosis wins, he’ll take the title away from him too, and prove he’s the greatest. You don’t need to prove it to me, Lord Steven.

I’d like to point out we ran out of TV time about 5 minutes ago, but APPARENTLY we can re-live the package delivery and subsequent Piper music video from 1992. Priorities! And I stupidly sit here and watch it, rocking back and forth like a catatonic in-patient unable to look away. He’s a full load, it’s why they call him Hot Rod. I’m going to be ill.


And STILL, enough time remains for Hogan’s response! There are days this company lives to drive me insane, and even 18 years later, I can still get as aggravated as ever. Please, Worldwide, save me!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

WCW Nitro: November 11, 1996

As we head into another two hours of the nWo show, TheGrailspiral took me to task a little with last week’s review:

I still think these reviews, while entertaining, are too harsh. I would kill to watch this product today

I do my best to give you my very real feelings on what I’m watching week after week. Granted, I’m likely influenced by a lot of what happened later, but that’s bias in a nutshell. But let me be clear: I love WCW. I grew up on WCW. However, if Chris Jericho is being booked like an unbearable wiener (and he is), I’m going to point out how much of an unbearable wiener he is. Now stay tuned as I damn the Faces of Fear with praise until I’m served with a restraining order.

The line on the number of minutes dedicated to Hogan/Piper is set at 81.5. Take the over.

TONY SCHIAVONE welcomes us to the pyro capital of the world, while LARRY ZBYSZKO’s flowered Hawaiian shirt sucks all the fortitude right out of his intestinal region. We are LIVE in St Petersburg, Florida. Tonight, the Women’s tournament continues. Wait – I turn things over to Dr. Unlikely:

The entire company is being invaded by and losing to a hostile force, and the company decides that, what really needs to be done right now is hold a tournament for a new Women's Championship? Like, do they have a to-do list of:

1. Crown new women's champion
2. Hire enough women to compete for new women's championship
3. Glacier?
4. Save company from nWo invasion
5. Regal: might be dead or stranded in Europe, check messages

Let's note that the tournament for the Women's Championship pops up the week after the nWo begins specifically talking about how they are set-up to gun for every existing title in the company (nWo note: British guy: might be dead or stranded in Europe, check messages), so this appearing now, we'd have to assume, means one of two things: either the new Women's Champion will become an unlikely but fascinating obstacle in the new World order's quest to dominate all of WCW, or they have a plant in the tournament. Gotta be one of those things or why bother, right? Let's see what happens!

I am pleased to announce that Lord Steven has been found alive and well, turning up on the November 2 edition of Saturday Night, so all charges against Ron Studd have been dropped in that particular case. Fit Finlay’s whereabouts remain unknown, and he is presumed dead.

CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman) vs. JEFF JARRETT

You won’t believe this, but apparently Benoit took issue with some of Jarrett’s comments last week. I know, it’s wild to imagine that Jeff, insinuating he’s the leader WCW has sorely been lacking, and accusing the rest of the boys of being spineless jellyfish, that people don’t care for it. Before we start…

KEVIN SULLIVAN and JIMMY HART check in with us. Sullivan tells Benoit that the burning he’s feeling is the same thing he used to feel, but he’s still the man no matter what. Dude, see a doctor, that’s not ok!

Tony reminds us that Benoit and Sullivan “literally” tore the house down in Baltimore at the GAB, and will do it again at an upcoming house show. I don’t think Tony understands what literally means. Benoit wants a test of strength with Jarrett, which Jeff actually wins. Benoit manages to reverse a crossbody hold, but gets hiptossed. Benoit counts with a headscissors takeover, and then chops Jarrett in the MOUTH! OWWW! Jeff responds with a drop toe hold and struts his way right into a commercial break.

Back from break, Benoit and Jarrett are rolling around on the mat throwing punches and pulling hair, and somewhere in the Philadelphia distance a shrill Joey Styles is screaming “CATFIGHT!!!” Jarrett connects with a vertical suplex, and chokes Chris out in the ropes. More strutting draws a ton of heat, which seems odd since he’s WCW’s savior. Benoit chops him like a fine brisket, and they wind up fighting on the mat again. A short armed clothesline from Jeff keeps control, and he starts dropping elbows on the knee to set up the Figure Four. Benoit rolls away, and delivers a hot shot across the top rope. Larry says New World Odor just to remind me that I hate him. Jarrett slips to the apron, and suplexes Benoit over the top and to the floor. As he struts, STING suddenly appears and gives Jarrett a Scorpion Deathdrop to a MONSTER POP, getting a DQ at 6:37. **1/2

Woman wants to know what the hell is going on, as Sting finds someone wearing one of his t-shirts in the front row and gives him a little love. Woman says Jarrett’s clearly WCW, and Benoit should pick him up. Chris isn’t interested, because he hates Jarrett. Woman insists, so Benoit obliges and picks Jarrett up by the hair. The referee is forced to break them up again as we head to break. Great segment.

Meanwhile, A CRAZY PERSON shows up behind the announcers, and drops his package on Tony’s lap before getting dragged away by security. It’s a video tape that the fan wants played from 1992. Because this is wrestling, instead of ignoring this, Tony vows to play it later. For the love of all that is holy, I am begging WCW to reneg on this promise. It’s okay, we DON’T need to see it.

We check in with RIC FLAIR visiting with DR. JAMES ANDREWS. So, Flair’s injury has been pretty unclear at this point, but he hasn’t wrestled since September 16, so it would seem it’s fairly serious. Lo and behold, he tore his rotator cuff, and won’t be able to pitch until shortly after next year’s All-Star break.

MALYA HOSAKA vs. ZERO (with Sonny Onoo) (in the WCW women’s title tournament)

NICK PATRICK draws the assignment here, while Zero draws Super Calo’s music. I’m still not convinced Zero isn’t Kaz Hayashi painted to look like an Oakland Raiders fan. Which makes sense, zero is also the number of wins they’re sporting.


Apparently Zero is the GAIA heavyweight champion of the world. Hosaka is a former NWA women’s champion, but Mike Tenay isn’t here so you and I don’t know this. Hosaka throws a bunch of dropkicks, but Zero goes all Meng and no sells everything. I dare you to try that against Meng, Zero. Hosaka tries a sunset flip, but Zero just sits on her for 2 before pulling her up. The flying jalapeno gets nothing from Hosaka, and Zero just short arm clotheslines her for another 2 and a pull up. Outsiders Edge finishes things at 1:41. Don’t rule out Zero being the nWo plant, as Dr. Unlikely alluded to. 1/2*

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND interviews DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. Hold up, pull back a little, Gene!!! I thought he’d simply given up interviewing for a life of franchising burger restaurants, but he’s back in the flesh baybee!


Anyway, Gene asks Page the question nobody else has brought up (and shame on everyone), which is whether or not he’s being recruited by the nWo. Page admits he used to manage Scott Hall, and he used to tag with Kevin Nash, but that doesn’t give them the right to put their nose in his business. THE OUTSIDERS show up, and encourage Page to think about the future. Hall gives him the chance to jump on the black and white express, and he’d be in 4 life. Page reminds them they already have 7 guys, and asks why he’s #8? Nash says they didn’t come earlier for political reasons, because Bischoff lives two houses away. Page takes HUGE offense to that, because he says he’s earned everything he’s received and was given NOTHING. Nash says it wasn’t disrespect, but Page says not being offered #4 or #5, waiting until #8 is a major slap in the face. They leave matters here, for now.

CICLOPE vs. REY MYSTERIO JR.

So a few things here. First, Ciclope enters to “Not Evenflow” which gives me hope that Chris Jericho is about to tear up Dave Penzer’s sports coat but it’s not to be and he’s still a wiener. Secondly – Ciclope!! Third, the ULTIMO DRAGON and SONNY ONOO are sitting at ringside, with about, let me count … 1061 title belts. There’s so much going on here, that Mike Tenay can’t even make an appearance because he passed out somewhere due to the orgasmic overload that’s left him dehydrated. Ciclope is quickly knocked to the floor, and Rey flattens him with tope suicida! Both guys are slow to get up, but Rey manages to roll in Ciclope and scream “FRANKENSTEINER!!!” to the crowd. That probably wasn’t wise, because Ciclope was somehow tipped off to what was coming, and clotheslines the snot out of Rey getting a 2 count. Rey gets sent to the apron, and Ciclope nails him with a sunset flip to the floor with a powerbomb! Great stuff. DEAN MALENKO shows up now because there isn’t enough going on, and he’s making his serious face. Not to be confused with his other faces, such as his serious face. A missile dropkick gets 2. Rey is faceplanted, and finally has enough, opting to roll to the floor. Ciclope palms Mysterio’s head like a basketball, puts him on the top rope, and DDT’s him for 2! PSYCHOSIS now walks to the top of the stage, to watch Malenko watching Dragon watching Onoo watching the title belts. A gutwrench powerbomb from Ciclope gets 2. Man, what’s it gonna take? Rey tries a moonsault, but Ciclope catches him mid move and tombstones Mysterio!! He goes up to finish I’d imagine, but Rey somehow crotches him, and then hits a forward rana OFF THE TOP AND TO THE FLOOR! Oh my frickin’ god! Rey rolls Ciclope back in, and finishes with the West Coast Pop at 5:59!! ***1/2

Malenko spins to head to the back, and stops in his tracks when he sees Psychosis. Mysterio, meanwhile, reminds Malenko all it takes is a single 3 count to change the belts back one more time. Elsewhere, the Dragon poses with about 300 of his belts. I’m guessing if we checked his Ebay account, we’d find he’s spent a lot of time talking to pro-wrestling dealers.

Tony pimps the latest in WCW technological breakthroughs, a website! WCWwrestling.com (or if you’re Tony, WCWwrestlingcom).

THE NWO PROPAGANDA TEAM storms down the entrance ramp and into the crowd, with THE OUTSIDERS and SYXX slowly creepin’ behind. Syxx is holding a Cable Ace award. Hall gets in Larry’s face. “The Living Legend! I thought you’d be bigger. I’ve been watching you since you were a kid.” Hall says the nWo is the reason for the success of Nitro, and encourages the fans to check out THEIR website which goes live tonight. Nash tells Tony he has a nice suit, and asks if he got a cup of soup with it. Tony absolutely cracks, and is forced to cover his mouth like Stefon on Weekend Update. Nash tells both Larry and Tony to sell their houses, and get a nice little double wide because the nWo are taking over Nitro within the next 2-3 weeks.

Hour #2 kicks off, and ERIC BISCHOFF is a little annoyed that Tony and Larry bailed early. MIKE TENAY and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN join him.

SCOTT NORTON vs. LEX LUGER

Tenay is quick to note that Norton is currently one half of the NJPW tag-team champions, but my research has concluded that’s a lie so I don’t know what he’s talking about. I can confirm he is currently playing “Darryl” on Storage Wars however, so there’s that. Before we begin however…

ARN ANDERSON says he’s impressed that Luger managed to get mad at Halloween Havoc, but in Baltimore, it’s his ass. That’s a pretty loaded house show they’re pimping, I’m impressed.

Luger is trying a shoulderblock by the time we check in, but it’s like hitting a mack truck with a tennis ball. STING has re-perched himself in the rafters, as Luger clotheslines Norton to the floor. Scott throws a couple of chops, but Luger whips him to the ring post and charges ahead. His clothesline misses, and he nails the metal. They head back in, where Norton’s diving shoulderblock takes us to a commercial.

As we come back, Norton’s still in control, and working over Luger’s injured arm. A blind charge misses, and Luger is quick to give Norton a backdrop suplex. The clotheslines are attempted to no avail (and hurting Luger in the process), but a forearm shot is successful. Still, Norton comes back with a clothesline and heads up(!) His dive misses, and through the pain Luger’s able to apply the Rack for the submission at 6:17. *1/2

“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants a quick word with Luger. Lex says he has no answers about Sting’s behavior. As far as Arn is concerned, he says everything’s at stake and he isn’t going to pay him much attention, because the nWo is taking all their belts. He’s been trying to carry the WCW banner alone, and he desperately needs help. He apologizes to Sting, and begs him to come back. And honestly, Luger’s right, it’s been like 2 months, that’s a hell of a long grudge over a misunderstanding.

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS (with Colonel Robert Parker) vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri)

Everyone completely ignores the fact that Robert Parker has found a new team, because Bischoff’s too busy talking about the fact he might have an update on Roddy Piper lately. Booker, as he’s wont to do, vows to hurt the Colonel. We’re unable to even see the start of this match, because they’re too busy airing replays of the Heat officially severing ties with the Colonel the other day. Once we get back, both Heat members whip Ouellette into Rougeau. Booker nails the axe kick, but nobody cares because …

THE NASTY BOYS are trying to get in the building. Apparently they’re no longer on the approved list of guests, despite this being their place of employment. DOUG DILLINGER is ushered over, and he refuses to let them in to talk business. He double checks on their behalf, but they’re not wanted, and he escorts them outside. However, lurking in the shadows is THE BOOTY MAN, and they chat.

Somewhere in here the match ended in DQ when Sherri got involved at 3:17. Oh.

KONAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO (for the Mexican Heavyweight title)

It’s unusual to see Konan without his second N on Nitro, but rules are made to be broken. Konan still has his vanity belt, so my assumptions to the contrary have been rendered moot. NICK PATRICK is assigned here so it ain’t changing hands anyway. Jericho manages to duck a bunch of Konan’s early stuff, and hits a spinning heel kick as we take a look at Ted Irvine. Heenan: “If he was such a great player why was he traded 35 times?” For the record, “great” is a loose term, he was serviceable. Konan gets dropped on the apron, and Jericho flattens him with another spinning heel kick, this time off the top. On the floor, Jericho attempts a plancha but hits the mat. Konan is right behind with a rolling thunder clothesline. Back in, Konan hits another one, and applies a sitting abdominal stretch. A powerbomb looks to finish, but Jericho still has a little life kicking out at 2. A grapevine armbar is locked on, but Jericho won’t tap. Konan dropkicks Jericho in the corner, but Jericho ducks a follow up clothesline and nails a release German suplex. A spin kick drops Konan, and hits a back elbow. Konan tries for a German, but Jericho rolls forward for 2. Jericho ducks a leapfrog, and nearly hits Nick Patrick who’s right in the way of traffic. Konan dropkicks him into Patrick, and that draws a DQ at 5:21. They rush to commercial before we get Jericho’s reaction. **

JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. MIGUEL PEREZ JR.

Both guys are already in the ring. Bischoff reports during the break that Jericho was “all over” Nick Patrick. Miguel has more body hair than Prince Albert. Seriously, he looks like a rug. Even Heenan gets in on it, referring to him as the “guy with the fur shirt”. Juvi nails a missile dropkick, but Miguel comes right back with the side Russian legsweep. A slam sets up a senton backsplash, followed by a quick standing moonsault for 2. He gets too cute though, heading to the apron, and Juvi dropkicks Miguel to the floor. Off the top, a plancha is on point, and both guys are hurt. Juvi recovers first, and goes for a rana off the guardrail, but Miguel powerbombs him right onto the floor! Miguel rushes back in, and hits the Space Flying Tiger Drop to perfection! Miguel goes to finish with a tornado DDT, but Juvi rolls through and hits a springboard dropkick. The Firebird splash misses, and Miguel quickly rolls him up for the pin at 3:56. The match was fantastic, but bothering me more than mountain of body hair is the fact that Miguel is ALSO gifted Super Calo’s music! They’re whoring that thing around more than Sunny in the mid-90’s! ***

In the nWo section of the building, TED DIBIASE is with VINCENT, and trying to call out for Sting. He says that he knows Sting has a lot on his mind, but since he’s already wearing the nWo colors, they have a t-shirt waiting for him.

THE FACES OF FEAR (with Jimmy Hart) vs. THE AMERICAN MALES

This is your main event, and besides the fact that the Fear are getting the Pay Windah spot, I’m right on pins and needles of excitement at the prospect of seeing the Males get eaten alive. Sure enough, before the bell, Riggs is torn apart by both guys. Bagwell helps his buddy hit double dropkicks. Barbarian responds by calmly shrugging Riggs to the floor with a backdrop. Meng misses a springboard crossbody on Bagwell, but he doesn’t feel pain so it’s cool. Bagwell tries to cut off the ring, and Meng just walks right past him to tag in Barbarian. Then he holds Bagwell hostage anyway, allowing Barbarian to powerbomb him to hell. A backbreaker is delivered with extra cheese, and we’re back to Meng. He chokes Bagwell out, while shaking his head like a madman. A double clothesline has Bagwell begging for his life, and in desperation he clotheslines Barbarian. By the time he turns aroung, Meng’s already there with a much harder clothesline that damn near takes his head off. Riggs has seen enough and hits Meng, which might be the last thing he ever does. He manages a trio of dropkicks on both guys, and nails Barbarian with the flying jalapeno for 1. Riggs goes for another dropkick on Barbarian, but it’s at the same time as Bagwell tripping Barbarian up so Riggs actually winds up falling backwards and hurting himself. That gives Meng time to hit the Kick of Fear, and Barbarian gets the easy win at 3:34. **1/2

Hart grabs the mic, and demands to know how the hell the Nastys have a title shot at World War 3 if the Nastys aren’t even WCW members. Hart demands the Faces of Fear get the love they deserve, and give WCW a chance to get the titles back. Amen brother!!

So, earlier tonight, someone dropped their package on Tony Schiavone, and now Bischoff feels it’s so bloody important it MUST be aired right now. It’s from 1992 in Europe, where it was a hit.


For all the shit Vince McMahon’s eaten over the years about “Stand Back”, this is far worse. This is Ashlee Simpson on SNL. This is Eddie Murphy teaming up with Michael Jackson. There is no coming back from this. You can wash your mind with sulfuric acid, but it won’t go away. When your life finally winds down (hopefully not for a long time, I love you all), and you’re slowly walking into the light, this will start playing and you’ll make haste in a mad sprint. And you’re probably asking yourself what the hell is the point of this, aside from making Piper look like an embarrassment? Well, at one point there’s a sign that reads “The Ultimate Bowl – Roddy Piper vs. Hulk Hogan”. So, they’re trying to tie this into some idea that Piper’s been craving a match with Hogan since at least 1992. No. I can’t do it. It’s time to change direction immediately, and go with in a much less embarrassing direction. In fact, we started building a major rematch from Hogan’s past in September. You know what I’m talking about. Hogan vs. Beefcake II: I’m Booty Hurt!

In response, HOLLYWOOD HOGAN, VINCENT, TED DIBIASE, THE GIANT, and MISS ELIZABETH dressed in a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit, saunter to the ring. Just to be clear, it’s only Liz dressed in the outfit. NICK PATRICK stands with them for some reason. For the third week in a row, Hogan demands the lights be lowered and a spotlight hit them. Hogan claims that Santa with Muscles is wiping out everyone at the box office, and they’re going to be #1 for 8-12 weeks in a row. Hogan reminds us we haven’t heard boo from Piper in weeks, so it’s pretty clear he wants no part of Hollywood. We close once again with the posing, but thankfully no butt movement.


Will we ever again hear from Piper? Or will he hide in the outskirts of Portland for the rest of his life after having that music video aired? I know which option I’d choose. See you Saturday.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

WCW Worldwide: November 10, 1996

It’s the only hour that Roddy Piper’s interview won’t be played in full, WCW Worldwide! And tonight … oh hell, they’re hyping Piper’s interview. What the hell WCW? Is nothing sacred? I just want to watch horrible Todd Morton matches and get on with my day.

Our hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN.

GOLDBERG PAT TANAKA vs. ALEX WRIGHT

I’m glad Tanaka survived nWo Saturday Night to return to a world with full colored cameras, and a potentially even playing field. Your referee is … RANDY ELLER. Hah, you expected someone else? Wright hits about 40 European uppercuts in a row, which is equivalent to about half of a Dave Taylor punch. Tanaka comes back with a sitdown powerbomb for 2. Wright crawls to the safety of the ropes, and goes back to a series of European uppercuts cuz it’s what we do in Europe. A missile dropkick nearly whiffs, but it’s enough to get the pin at 2:52. *

CHRIS JERICHO vs. RANDY STARR

From a distance, I thought they’d given Chris Benoit the “already in the ring” treatment, which both disappointed me from a booking standpoint, but excited me from a match standpoint. Alas, it’s Randy Starr, which is the pornstarriest name since Sexton Hardcastle. Starr hits a tough shoulderblock and draws boos because he didn’t get an entrance. Jericho comes back with a dropkick to the knees, and he kicks away at the now tender area. An avalanche misses, as Jericho’s face meets buckle, and Starr hits a superkick. Starr works a headlock, which just serves to waste time. Jericho hits what Heenan calls the “dreaded Greco Roman double shin lock” which is actually a botched slingshot rana. They repeat the spot, and Jericho finishes with the Lionsault at 3:55. *1/2

Hey, were you aware that Roddy Piper appeared at Halloween Havoc to confront Hulk Hogan? No? Here’s the complete 10 minute spot, if somehow you’re watching Worldwide but not Nitro or Saturday Night.

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. KONAN

These spelling deficiencies are not ok. The producers of all the shows need to sit down and hammer out a concrete plan for everyone going forward. This includes Rey Misterio Mysterio, whether or not he’s a Junior, Maxx (Muscle?), and Nick Patrick or Doctor X. It’s going to be hell by the time Blitzkreig arrives. Chavo hits a crossbody for a close 2, but that draws out RON THE LEPRECHAUN and not Jack Boot. Braun is less intimidating than usual, just running circles instead of trying to eat every member of the WCW cast and crew. Splash Mountain wins for Konan at 2:33. Konan invites Eddie to the Dungeon, which sounds like an idea straight out of 50 Shades of La Raza. I’d recommend he not go. DUD

DEAN MALENKO vs. REY MYSTERIO JR. (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)

Of course, since this was taped when Rey was still champion, neither guy is carrying the belt, but Bobby covers things up beautifully. He says he encouraged Malenko to come out and shove the belt in Rey’s face, but Malenko replied “I’ll show it to him when I’m ready”. This is about the 8th or 9th time these guys have faced off since June, and it’s not that I don’t approve, but I hate getting burned out on quality matchups. Rey hits a reverse Frankensteiner, but Malenko rolls right through the move and catapults Rey to the outside. Mysterio re-enters with a springboard somersault dick to the face, followed by a beautiful spinning rana that frustrates Malenko so much he needs a breather to think things over. He slowly re-enters, and wrings Mysterio’s shoulder repeatedly. A hammerlock slam leaves Rey clutching his arm, and smelling blood, Malenko follows with a snap overhead hammerlock belly to belly suplex. Mysterio rolls to the floor, but Malenko’s all over him, throwing Rey shoulder first to the ring post. Back in, Rey leaps right into Malenko’s hands, who propels him upwards into a bellyflop. Malenko goes for the powerbomb to set up the Cloverleaf, but Mysterio snaps off the West Coast Pop in mid-air! He doesn’t go to cover however, and seconds later he’s tied back up in a hammerlock armbar. Mysterio slips away, and locks Malenko in a small package for 2. A pissed off Deano stands up and just pounds at the shoulder. Malenko guillotines the shoulder, and refuses to move, trying to turn it into a pin. It doesn’t work, so now we move to a crossface hammerlock that has Rey squealing like a pig. Malenko releases and goes for a backbreaker, but Rey twists in mid-air and falls on top for 2. Malenko baseball slides Rey to the floor in retaliation, right on the shoulder of course. Back in, Malenko goes for an armwringer, but Mysterio starts bouncing off the ropes, and hooks the head with his feet, rolling through with an Oklahoma roll for 2! Great sequence. Rey goes for a rana, but Malenko powerbombs him and goes to apply the Cloverleaf. Rey, having been here before, hooks Malenko’s leg as they turn over, and schoolboys him for 2!! Even though I know better, I actually thought that was it. Malenko heads up, but Rey stops him and goes for the Frankensteiner. Dean shoves him off, but misses whatever he is going for, and in a flash Mysterio’s up and nailing a sky twisting bodyblock for 2! Mysterio goes for another rana, but Malenko drops down with a sidewalk slam, and scores the pin at 10:31. I hate the ending, but I loved the match. ****


Next week: The big names keep rolling out. Brad Armstrong! Billy Kidman! Renegade! Joe Gomez! I can feel your excitement LITERALLY dripping down your collective legs! I hope you can hold out until then.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

WCW Saturday Night: November 9, 1996

Did you have any idea that Roddy Piper showed up at Halloween Havoc to confront Hollywood Hogan? WCW’s lack of coverage to this point is embarrassing, as this is clearly the biggest story of the millennia. So, for you Joe Curious, here’s a clip that hasn’t aired on any WCW programming to this point. Especially not the last two episodes of Nitro and last week’s Saturday Night (and tomorrow’s Worldwide).

TONY SCHIAVONE will never forget Hogan’s face at Halloween Havoc when Piper showed up. Neither will I, because they’re going to play it on every show from now until 2085. DUSTY RHODES can’t believe they met face to face, and promises to talk a lot more about this.

JUVENTUD GUERRERA and PSYCHOSIS vs. THE AMERICAN MALES

There is nothing that sucks the hope out of a potentially fantastic match than to hear the quiet build to the American Males theme. Bagwell claps, Riggs claps, everyone’s got the clap! No mention of the problems from Monday, and Bagwell’s super babyface tonight by leading a You Ess Eh chant against these awful foreigners who … well, haven’t actually done anything to anyone. Juvi hits Bagwell with a spin kick, and delivers the chops. Bagwell responds with a powerbomb, because he’s kind of a jerk. Riggs enters and misses a blind charge, allowing Psychosis to tag in and immediately take a dropkick. Juvi tries to get involved, but Bagwell dropkicks him, and they clothesline both guys to the floor. AND WE CLAP. Juvi re-enters with a springboard missile dropkick, and the sheep in attendance boo. Juvi Driver is on point, but instead of a pin he hits a People’s Elbow. Not sure I understand your logic there, Juvi. Spin kick in the corner sets up a springboard guillotine – but Bagwell moves and Juvi destroys his tailbone. Bagwell tags out, and Riggs has clotheslines for everyone. Riggs bounces into the ropes and knocks Bagwell to the floor by mistake, and Psychosis launches himself with a flying body attack! Juvi’s right behind with a slingshot 360 guillotine, and Team Mexico wins at 4:39!!! That was my shock of the day, and I could not be happier. ** Bagwell gets a little mad, but offers his hands for a high 10 to ensure they’re cool, and they are. Jian Ghomeshi recommends a little bit of hate fucking to clear those problems right up.

JIM DUGGAN vs. STEVEN REGAL (for the WCW world television title)

NICK PATRICK is assigned here, which probably bodes well for his lordship. You may recall the Outsiders were instrumental in Regal claiming the TV title; but he doesn’t appear to be associated with the nWo. Nick Patrick finds a roll of tape in Duggan’s pants, and discards of it rightly. Duggan stomps around like a retarded robot, and Regal hits the floor with bugged out eyes trying to comprehend what’s happening. Once he figures it’s safe, he re-enters and hits Duggan with a European uppercut. Duggan responds with a half dozen clotheslines, and Regal hits the floor in the worst pain he’s ever suffered based on his face. Back in, Patrick gets between them to give Regal a chance, and as he moves Regal claws the eyes. More European uppercuts send Duggan stomping around again. He throws some rock hard punches, but Regal pokes the eyes and Duggan is blinded. Unable to see, he wanders around like Moses in the desert, and since Regal is God, he parts Duggan’s eyes with a knee lift. Duggan refuses to get his head slammed to the buckle (literally screaming “NOOOOOOO!”), and slams Regal instead. Regal responds with a back elbow, but misses a senton. Duggan tapes up his fist, and Patrick sees it immediately throwing it out at 4:05. Regal is decked regardless, but still the champion! Duggan points his board at Patrick’s head, but he scoots away to the floor where Regal gently ensures he’s alright, like the gentleman that he is. *1/2

TONY SCHIAVONE checks in with Duggan, and immediately makes me long for the still missing Mean Gene. Apparently he’s sick to his stomach about Nick Patrick (Duggan, not Gene). He says the only flag he salutes is the red white and blue, and not Nick Patrick. What the hell is he talking about? He throws out a message to his good friend Terry Hogan (who?), and orders him to shoot straight with him going forward, or he’ll beat him up. I don’t find it fair that he’s able to utter these threats without letting this alleged Terry Hogan reply.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. ICE TRAIN (with Teddy Long)

This is a rematch from Nitro, right down to the referee, NICK PATRICK. Train had Page beat on Monday until an untimely shoulder injury stopped Patrick’s ability to count, and the Outsiders sealed the win with an assist for Page. Dusty actually brings up Page’s past history with Hall and Nash, which I believe is the first time WCW has brought this up. Train hits the Train Wreck almost right away, but Page actually kicks out on a fair 2 count. Page comes back with a boot to the face, and a clothesline to take Train down. The pancake gets 2, and Train accidentally hits Patrick’s shoulder on his kickout. Patrick doesn’t sell it, but he could just be putting on a tough face for all of us; let’s keep our eyes on this. A headlock is worked, but Train has no neck so I don’t really see the point. A swinging neckbreaker gives Page time to head to the top, but Train crotches him HARD. Those plums done turned purple on that one. Train pulls Page off the top by the hair, and faceplants him. 10 head shots to the buckle set up a powerslam, but Patrick’s way out of position so it takes an extra second to count, exactly what Page needs to kick out. Page digs in his tights for something, and Long starts freaking the hell out! Patrick goes over to find out what Long’s problem is, as he’s hollering and pointing at Page. Of course, DDP levels Train with no problems, and by the time Patrick checks, Page is already on top for the easy win at 5:08. *1/2 Dusty speculates there’s “some cahootin’ goin’ on”. Long loses his mind on Patrick, but Nick tells him if he’d stayed in his damn corner maybe he’d have seen it. “YOU WASN’T LOOKIN’!” Long tells Patrick he’s no longer the man he used to know, as Gotye songs start going off in my head.

THE AMAZING FRENCH CANADIANS vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Sista Sherri)

The Canadians demand the anthem be played, but they’re greeted with Harlem Heat’s music instead. No matter, they sing the National Anthem anyway, though I WISH they’d tried to keep it on beat with the music because that would have been amazing. No Colonel Parker, because slavery ended 100 years ago. A donnybrook erupts immediately, with everyone trading punches! There’s some feelings here, not seen since the best of 401 series between Harlem Heat and Rough & Ready. Stevie Ray drops an elbow on Ouellette, which is unfortunate because that means he’s run through his whole moveset already. Booker hits the flying jalapeno, but isn’t able to follow up because Rougeau pulls him to the floor. The Frenchmen work over Booker in the corner, and Ouellette builds up some steam with a quadrouple rope bounce before hammering Booker with a clothesline. Rougeau works a camel clutch, and by god, COLONEL ROBERT PARKER shows up! Ouellette misses the assisted senton as Parker goes to talk to Sherri, and he’s a world of emotion, not even stopping to mop his brow. Parker jumps on the apron to cheer his boys on, but Sherri decks him! Parker threatens to knock her back to the 1800’s, but Harlem Heat dives to the floor to whoop the massa. That gets them counted out at 3:01, but it doesn’t matter. Stevie says the Colonel has a major malfunction threatening to hit a woman. Tune in next week for their public hanging. *

HUGH MORRUS vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman)

Benoit’s shoulder is still taped, and NICK PATRICK’s neck is still in a brace. Morrus comes out clubberin’, and Dusty doesn’t even call it! Woman’s powers of distraction are truly amazing. An avalanche has Benoit gasping for air, but Morrus spends too long posing and gets dropkicked in the knee. He goes right for it, working it over in the ropes. A dragon screw has Morrus limping around, and Benoit keeps kicking away at the knee. Unfortunately, he gets too close, and eats a shoulderbreaker. A clothesline sends Morrus up top, but Patrick’s standing in the way checking Benoit. Morrus drops down to scream at him to move, letting Woman rake the eyes! Belly to belly overhead with a bridge scores the win at 3:35. **

MAXX and BIG BUBBER attack post-match, and with Morrus behind him, Benoit’s outnumbered. He does a good job fending them off, until Bubba catches him and slams him spine first over the guardrail! Jeezus man! KEVIN SULLIVAN and JIMMY HART hit the scene, and Sullivan kicks him in the ribs repeatedly. Bubba gives Benoit two more Rock Bottom’s directly on top of the guardrail! The fans start reaching over to try and pull Benoit to safety, but he’s property of the DoD now, and they’re feasting like dogs. Great segment, and Benoit’s a sick man taking those bumps.

TONY SCHIAVONE demands to know what the heck was up with that? Jimmy says that a 20 second phone call from Nancy started this, and it’s proof that nobody should ever trust a woman. Sullivan demands to know where Benoit’s cavalry is. Sullivan says he’s not soft, and he can’t wait to feed it to Benoit again in Baltimore.

Elsewhere, MIKE TENAY wants JEFF JARRETT’s thoughts on the lack of a leader in WCW. Jarrett says he’s ready to lead the Four Horsemen, and he’s going to prove it at World War 3. Jarrett reminds everyone the Giant hasn’t chokeslammed him yet, and he won’t.

REY MYSTERIO JR. vs. DEAN MALENKO (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)

This is a hell of a match to be giving away on this show, but I ain’t complaining. Winner gets Psychosis at World War 3. Rey starts in with dropkicks immediately, and packages Malenko for 2. Before we can get too involved, we turn things over to …

Words from PSYCHOSIS! Hell yes! He bangs out about the 3 English words he knows, “you and me, Cruiserweight title” before reverting to Spanish. I like to think it was planned that way, but I used to co-ordinate interviews for my company, and I’ve seen on more than one occasion candidates pretending to be bilingual and giving me answers in much the same vein as Psychosis just did. Though to be fair, Psychosis’ English was better than theirs often was.

Back in the ring, Malenko’s regained control and is flattening Rey with the double leg slam. A delayed brainbuster gets 2. To the mat we go, where Malenko locks on a grounded version of the abdominal stretch. He releases, and hits a backbreaker for 2. Rey gets kicked to the floor, which is probably the best place for him because Dean isn’t hitting him out there. Rey scoots back in, taking a fireman’s carry into a gutbuster smoothly. Deano goes for the electric chair, but that’s about the worst position to put Rey in, because he rolls forward and takes them both to the floor. Malenko rolls Rey back in first, which is once again a mistake, because Rey dropkicks him off the apron as he’s coming in, before flattening him with tope suicida!! Back in, Rey hits a springboard sunset flip for 2. Malenko is angry, and hits a tigerbomb for 2. Rey delivers a back elbow, and pops up to the top with a sky twisting bodyblock for 2. He tries to finish with the West Coast Pop, but Dean hooks the shoulders and backslides Rey for the pin at 5:31. While I could bear to let these guys chill out without a rematch for awhile, they have great chemistry and this was no exception. ***1/2

TONY SCHIAVONE wants to interview the champ about his upcoming match with Psychosis. Malenko tells Psychosis he’s giving him an opportunity to prove himself to Mexico, but not to kid himself, he’ll still be champion. Let’s take the microphone away from Malenko in the future.

Meanwhile, on nWo Saturday Night, we continue the Cruiserweight tournament…

THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Height: 6’5”
Weight: A lean 325 lbs.
Reach: 35”
Fist: 16”
Hometown: Oakland, CA
Pro Record: 52-12
Voted Most Likely to Offend
Way Big for a Cruiserweight

KEVIN NASH welcomes us to a sold out arena (surrounded by completely empty seats). TED DIBIASE is your ring announcer, DOCTOR X is the referee, and SCOTT HALL joins Nash on commentary.

THE BOUNTY HUNTER vs. SYXX (in a Cruiserweight tournament match)

Nash figures Bounty Hunter hasn’t showered in 10-15 days to get that level of buildup in his hair. Regarding the Bounty Hunter, Nash sums it up with: “This man looks horrible!” The Outsiders move to golf-style commentary, with whispering. Bounty Hunter shoves Syxx knocking off his bandana, which is a big mistake. Hunter pounds Syxx in the corner, but misses an avalanche and Syxx kicks him a dozen times. 3 straight spin kicks drops him in the corner, and then chokes him in the ropes in front of the announce team, who take turns slapping him. Hall: “Don’t you run your mouth to me Bounty Hunter, or I’ll put you in the tag-team tournament!” Nash: “I have two words for you: eat salad!” Syxx hits an early version of the Bronco buster, with just one big penis thrust – still not perfected! Syxx drops the straps, as Nash declares him the house of proverbial fire! Spinning heel kick scores the pin.

The Outsiders want a word with the victor, but mostly so Nash can throw a parting shot at the Bounty Hunter. Syxx thought he was in trouble when his bandana got knocked off, but he’s a swinger baby, and you don’t mess with a swinger. Does Chyna know?

MAXX vs. LEX LUGER

We actually saw this match once before on the May 27 edition of Nitro, but it may have been overshadowed by something else. You know, if I’m Maxx, I’m a little bothered the Dungeon can’t be bothered to send me back up. Hart is always ringside for the Faces of Fear. Braun the Leprechaun frequently tries to eat referees anytime Kevin Sullivan is present. But Maxx? Always the bridesmaid. Lex tries a shoulderblock to no avail, but after picking up a little steam on the second go, it works. And so we ROAR! A pair of slams set up some sort of leaping something, but Maxx lifts his knees, and Luger’s hurt. Oh no! Will he be able to come back and win? Could this be the era of Maxx? Maxx stomps Lex by the ropes, and delivers a powerslam for 2. He was 1 second away from main eventing Starrcade, don’t kid yourself. Maxx argues with the referee, giving Luger a chance to small package him for 2. A clothesline sets up the inevitable Rack, and Maxx taps at 3:07. 1/2*

We close by re-airing the entire Hogan interview from Nitro, but you and I already saw this, so no need to talk about it.


Tony believes, deep in his heart of hearts, that Hogan wants no part of Roddy Piper. This Tony Schiavone is something of a visionary, I think he might be on to something. And they sign us off, telling us to remember to check out Nitro.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

WCW Nitro: November 4, 1996

Well it was bound to happen, and this week someone actually read my WCW Worldwide recap. Dedicated Underachiever asks:

Curious for an explanation...why rate the tag match three stars? There's nothing in the review that indicates why that high a rating.

Well Dedicated Underachiever, first you need to travel backwards to 1996. It was a time when lousy tag-teams ruled the world. On one channel, you suffered through the likes of the Smokin’ Gunns, Bodydonnas, and Godwinns trading the tag-team titles all year. In WCW, as I’ve noted through my 150+ recaps just this year alone (whoa), Harlem Heat was pretty much the focal point of every show. The Nasty Boys and Public Enemy were cringe worthy. The Rock & Roll Express were roughly 85 years old. But through it all, there were the Faces of Fear. These weren’t just men. They were war machines. You think Brock Lesnar is bad ass? You haven’t seen Meng no-sell 40 straight hard-hitting moves, and respond with a flying headbutt off the top. Barbarian’s powerbombs are so strong and crisp they could cripple even the toughest modern day MMA fighter. They are the greatest tag-team in the history of planet earth, and they are automatically given a 50% mark-up just for being so bloody cool. It’s the Barbarian tax.

With a voice that could catch the attention of any dog within a 14-mile radius, TONY SCHIAVONE welcomes us to Grand Rapids, Michigan – the location of WCW Nitro! LARRY ZBYSZKO isn’t happy about being stuck “in the middle of nowhere”, and neither is STING, who is dressed like The Crow, and sulking in the rafters.

He catches the attention of THE GIANT, TED DIBIASE, and VINCENT, who stare him down from the nWo section of the building. Tony speculates the nWo and Sting have finally reached some sort of contract agreement.

We have exciting news. Yes, a tournament will be started tonight to crown a NEW WCW champion. A Women’s Champion! Tony poses with the belt, while Larry whines about gas being $1.30 a gallon. Seriously.


Did you know that Roddy Piper was at Halloween Havoc? Has WCW aired the clip to prove it? Well, in case you missed it the first 74 times, here it is again. Apparently the fans on the Internet exploded, and pressured Bischoff to try and make Piper and Hogan a reality. If this was the WWE, Piper would immediately be jobbed out to whoever’s coming out in the opening match just to shut up the Internet geeks. And that person would be …

BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. MARCUS BAGWELL (with Scotty Riggs)

STING storms out of the rafters, possibly to go write angry poetry in his journal. Tony promises that later tonight, we’ll go to Portland, Oregon. Like, dismantle the ring and take the show there? I’m actually intrigued. Bagwell and Riggs clap so much that I start wishing Sid was on the roster. Just one more month of this, thankfully. (Oops, spoiler alert) Armstrong gets locked in a headscissors, but he wiggles loose. They remain on the mat for so long that the fans start booing and chanting for the nWo. Tony declares the show red hot as we head to commercial.

We return, as Bagwell bitchslaps Armstrong, and THAT wakes the fans up. Bradstreet don’t like that, and hits Bagwell with a dropkick, and clotheslines him to the outside. Marcus tries to get back in, and takes a baseball slide to the stomach. Bagwell stalks a better position, and re-enters with a slingshot clothesline. Tony starts openly wondering if Armstrong can win World War 3, as he gets clotheslined hard to the floor. A plancha connects hard, and both guys lie strewn out on the floor. Back in, they battle to the corner where Armstrong hits a tornado DDT for 2. Bagwell fires back with a gutbuster, and pounds him down with a forearm shot. The fans start booing Bagwell’s incessant clapping, as he hits a crossbody for the pin at 7:28. **1/2

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. ICE TRAIN (with Teddy Long)

Between Teddy Long *and* DDP, this is like the wet dream of NICK PATRICK. Tony shows footage from the previous week, where the nWo celebrated as Page hit the Diamond Cutter. THE OUTSIDERS make their first appearance in the crowd, posing with the tag-team titles. Page tries to put a full nelson on Train, which is like trying to wrap a pool noodle around an alligator and expecting it to successfully ward off an attack. Train knocks Page to the apron, but DDP is right there with a jawbreaker. Off the top, he nails a clothesline, and the fans are hot tonight because they boo that viciously. Page chokes Train in the ropes, but Patrick catches him. Train comes back with a sunset flip, but Page pops up and hits a clothesline for 2. A pancake gets 2. Train tries to make something happen, but takes a swinging neckbreaker. Train kicks out viciously, launching Page on top of Patrick who screams in agony (making some killer faces in the process). Train punches Page in the stomach, and hits a vertical suplex which starts the Hulk up process. A powerslam gets a pretty slow 2 count from Patrick. Train ignores it, hitting a super impressive banzai, and follows with the Track Wreck! Patrick takes forever to hit the mat, allowing Page a chance to kick out. He knocks Page to the floor, with Patrick right behind to check on the man, as Hall and Nash hit the ring and destroy Ice Train. Teddy Long shrieks at him to get back in the ring, but he’s too busy with Page. By the time everyone’s back in, the Diamond Cutter gets the win at 6:35. Does that mean Page is FINALLY officially a member of the group, or are we gonna keep pretending otherwise? **

SCOTTY RIGGS (with Marcus Bagwell) vs. DEAN MALENKO (for the WCW world cruiserweight title)

Are you kidding me? This ain’t WCW Prime, I cannot deal with multiple appearances of American Males. And once again, Malenko’s wasting his time with guys who aren’t Cruiserweights which is starting to piss me off. Wait, this IS a title match? Tony says it is, but that can’t be, because Riggs is like 250 pounds. Christ, WCW, really? In better news, he’ll be defending against Psychosis at World War III. Tony’s very excited for this fresh matchup, while Larry says that Riggs spent the week dropping weight just to get this title match. See, if that’s in fact true (it’s not), then why weren’t we given vignettes of that on Saturday Night or Worldwide? Did he run laps wearing garbage bags in 100 degree weather? Did he engage in hours of promiscuous sexual activity to burn extra calories, and did Bagwell enjoy it? Or did he just swallow enough laxatives to clear the bowels of a mature water buffalo? WCW, you’re missing the boat here. SYXX shows up to watch this one, as does the NWO PROPAGANDA TEAM. Riggs hits Malenko with a slingshot plancha, and then goes up to finish. However, Deano hits the ropes with some force sending Riggs to the floor – and there’s trouble in paradise because his losing ways are starting to piss one “Marcus” Bagwell off. He rolls Riggs back in the ring long before he’s ready, and Malenko finishes with the Oklahoma roll at 3:23. I hope your anorexia was worth it, Scotty. Riggs and Bagwell bicker. I don’t care. *

HECTOR GUERRERO vs. CHRIS BENOIT (with Woman)

…what? Apparently Eddie needed his family honour defended, so they sent in Hector? Woman looks amazing tonight, sporting the ever classy coat and bra combo. Wait, we can’t start because …

KEVIN SULLIVAN and JIMMY HART have something to say. Hart promises that in Baltimore, Benoit’s gonna find out what kind of man Sullivan really is. “I’ll see you in the bathroom in Baltimore.” THEY ALREADY MET THERE, IN JUNE.

Meanwhile, Hector is hitting Benoit with ranas like a circus animal. Benoit hits the floor, and Hector’s right behind with a plancha. Chris is sent shoulder first to the ring post. Back in, Hector is focused on the injury, and hits a pumphandle shoulderbreaker. He works some sort of chickenwing, but Benoit gets into the ropes to break. What the heck(tor) is with Guerrero’s offensive outburst tonight? Down to the mat now, Guerrero puts Benoit in a chickenwing face down, as we hit a commercial break.

Apparently Benoit managed to take over during the break, as he hangs Hector out with a Stun Gun. A gutbuster has Guerrero rolling in pain, and Benoit applies an abdominal stretch. Guerrero manages to hiptoss his way loose, but Chris simply hits him with another gutbuster for 2. As Guerrero manages to sneak in a small package, the countdown hits the screen to let us know that the “hour that changed pro-wrestling” is coming. Goodbye Tony.

The pyro starts shooting out of the set like wild and our new announcers are … oh goddamn, Tony’s still here because Bischoff’s not. He’s joined by “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN. Guerrero and Benoit get into a slugfest, which Chris wins by hitting a drop toe hold that sends Guerrero headfirst to the buckle. Hector snaps off a rana, and puts Benoit on the top rope. He lies on his back, and bounces Chris up and down with his legs for awhile, until Benoit pops off. Hector uses an abdominal stretch on the mat, turning it into a Kiwi roll. Woman breaks it up by pulling Hector’s hair, and Benoit quickly pins him at 9:55. That was long. *1/2

MIKE TENAY grabs Benoit and Woman for an interview, along with a suddenly present JEFF JARRETT, DEBRA MCMICHAEL, and MONGO MCMICHAEL. Jarrett says he’s the lead dog and will be going after the Giant, but Benoit and Mongo don’t take kindly to that. They say they don’t need his help, and Horsemen business will be taken care of by the Horsemen. They storm off, leaving Jarrett alone with Tenay. Jarrett reminds us that WCW still has no leadership, as the camera pans to STING who has moved into the crowd to sulk with the fans. Jarrett wants Hogan, because Flair gave him the seal of approval. He promises he’ll score a touchdown for WCW, while guys like Sting aren’t even in the game. Jarrett recommends everyone take Sting’s name off the list of heroes.

REINA JUBUKI vs. MADUSA (in a first round WCW women’s title match)

I have never heard of Jubuki, but Mike Tenay has and he lists her accomplishments which I’m sure are many but I’m too busy making a peanut butter wrap to catch them. NICK PATRICK is assigned to impartially call this one. Tony questions why Patrick is assigned to this important match. Wait wait wait, of all the matches that Patrick has been assigned to in the last 4 months, THIS is the one Tony takes issue with? I don’t even have the words right now to combat all the stupid that I just got smacked in the face with. Jubuki sits on Madusa’s face (it’s not as exciting as it sounds), and bites her. For some reason, ZERO (who?!?) wanders out which Tenay says is a big deal because she (she?!?) is one of the best female wrestlers in the world. This is bad, but I thought it was Kaz Hayashi in blue facepaint. SONNY ONOO is with her, and something something peroxide America wrong, ha ha ha. Madusa hits a top rope headscissors, but Jubuki dodges a missile dropkick and hits a bridged suplex for 2. Jubuki goes up and hits a missile dropkick of her own for 2. Seconds later, Madusa uses the German suplex for the pin at (Austin) 3:16. 1/2* Madusa points at Zero. Zero points at her.

M WALLSTREET vs. CHRIS JERICHO

Jericho gets us started with a suplex, and starts working over the shoulder. Wallstreet doesn’t HAVE a sore shoulder though, so that doesn’t work, and he stands up easily to start fighting. Jericho tries a crossbody instead, following with a quick hiptoss and a spin kick for 2. Wallstreet sends Jericho to the floor, where he hits his knee. A group of fans in the front row stand up and give Wallstreet the finger for god knows WHAT reason, but I appreciate the fact that they did. Jericho re-enters with a slingshot schoolboy for 2, before Wallstreet locks him in an abdominal stretch. He cheats with the ropes, getting away with it until the 3rd try, when he just releases and clotheslines Chris for 2. Wallstreet applies a headlock, but Jericho gets loose with a jawbreaker. 10 straight faceplants to the buckle leave Wallstreet on weak legs. Jericho pounds away in the corner, but gets backdropped to the apron. Jericho gives him a quick neckbreaker over the top rope, and heads up with a missile dropkick that sends Wallstreet flying to the floor. Jericho follows, and gets tossed face first to the ring post. Jericho is rolled back in, where he packages Wallstreet for the win at 6:48. *1/2

MIKE TENAY decides now is a great time to interview NICK PATRICK and his lawyer ALAN SHARPE. Jericho happens to be on his way to the back, and stops to tell Patrick there’s nothing wrong with his neck, and he’s a paid employee of the nWo. Sharpe reminds Jericho that his father was an NHL goon, but Jericho shrugs that off saying this is between the three of them. TEDDY LONG storms out, and says Patrick’s a playa hata. Oh no he didn’t! Sharpe reminds Long that he used to be a referee that was suspended years ago. Jericho defends him saying that everyone has made mistakes in their past, but Patrick isn’t making any mistakes, it’s premeditated.

BOOKER T (with Sista Sherri) vs. LEX LUGER

This is a return match because Lex Luger left last week’s match to try and patch things up with Sting. Though, if you ask Booker T, you’d get a different side of things, as he vows to hurt Luger again just like last week. In a pre-recorded moment, Luger sends Sting his heart. He’s left messages, but he won’t return his calls. He just needs one minute. I’ve seen less pathetic teenagers getting their hearts broken for the first time. Luger hits a clothesline and ROARS. Unfortunately, matches aren’t won on roars, and Booker puts him in a headlock. Luger escapes, and hits a standing vertical suplex. An elbow sends Booker to the floor, and we need to take a commercial break.

Apparently nothing happened during the break, because Luger is still in control, hitting a running powerslam for 2. Booker nails a sweet hot shot, and Luger rolls around holding his throat while Booker calls out to the crowd. The axe kick is particularly sweet this week as Booker gets some serious air. Luger rolls to the floor, where Sherri kicks him in the ribs for good measure. Back in, Booker hits a heel kick, but misses the Harlem Sidekick. Crotched, Luger shakes the ropes like the Ultimate Warrior, and Booker’s balls are piranha bait. A powerslam sets up the Rack, but Booker dives to the safety of the ropes before it’s applied. The Harlem Sidekick hits this time, and COLONEL ROBERT PARKER comes down to ringside to make up with Sherri. Booker hits an enzuigiri, and heads up, as Parker encourages Booker to finish the job. Booker grabs him by the collar because he’s no fool, but that gives Luger a chance to hit him from behind and schoolboy Booker for the pin at 5:53. Laaaaaaaame. *1/2

STING stares into Luger’s soul from the top of the building.

The voice of ERIC BISCHOFF is brought in on the phone. He says that negotiations are going well with Piper, but his attorneys are being a pain in the ass. Because Piper’s an actor, he has various commitments to projects, and they just aren’t willing to let him play ball with WCW. Eric says he’s flying to Toronto next week, and will be sitting down with Piper one on one on his movie set, in the hopes that Roddy is willing to tell his management team to stuff it.

Hey, did you know that Roddy Piper showed up at the end of Halloween Havoc? HERE IT IS, IN FULL, AGAIN.

HOLLYWOOD HOGAN rears his bald head, joined with TED DIBIASE, VINCENT, and THE GIANT. Tony astutely notes that Hogan doesn’t go anywhere without The Giant – good catch Captain Schiavone. Now leave. Hogan demands the lights be dimmed and given the spotlight treatment once again. The fans boo the crap out of him, so Hogan points to his ass. Hogan tells Piper he’s gonna show him how it’s done in Hollywood. What does that mean? Glad you asked, because …

We get scenes of Santa With Muscles. Click that link, I encourage you, and spend some time checking out those reviews in case you’ve managed to avoid this atrocity. Some of us haven’t been so lucky.

Hogan promises his movie will be an Academy Award winner. He’s a little irritated he hasn’t received his Cable Ace Awards invite, but he knows Turner will be front and centre. He says if he doesn’t win an award, he’ll crash the party and take Turner’s away. Turning his attention to pro-wrestling, he put on the greatest act of his career at Halloween Havoc by begging off to Piper. He was trying to lead the lamb to slaughter, but it turns out that Piper has no heart and is afraid to fight Hogan. And like last week, Hogan goes into his poses, with a bit of twerking thrown in. I didn’t need that.

Seeing as how that’s the last thing I’m forced to see before the show ends, you’re going to as well. Just be thankful it’s not moving.