Sunday, August 16, 2015

WCW Power Hour: January 30, 1993

Before we delve into this week’s edition of the Power Hour, I need to address a particularly disturbing charge that was levied my way in Scott Keith’s most recent Nitro recap.

Right on the cusp of the second hour of the September 30th edition of Nitro (join the discussion now by using hashtag JerrySagsAsshole on Twitter!) that I might have taken a great deal of pleasure in a random Hugh Morrus / Brad Armstrong match.

Scott – I thought we had something special. I thought we knew each other. For you to so hurtfully, and WRONGLY accuse me of being drawn to an Armstrong brother is something I am not sure I’m ever going to be able to get past. I hope your ad revenue is up, because I’m cashing in my Blog health benefits and taking advantage of my right to 4 weeks of covered therapy sessions. I’m open to couple’s counselling, but it might get ugly.

My bread and butter is the jobbers; which is why I take this so personally. I like to believe that they congregate in their own world, the WCW Power Plant, not unlike the Dungeon of Doom. A land where you must be invited to enter, a place you must obey a short underqualified leader, a location where the water is not hot. The plant is actually home to the Cyborg Machine, which is just left of the Mothership and a block from the Pay Windah. Typically starting with Ricky Morton’s hair as their base template, the crack team of Buddy Lee Parker, Jack Boot, and the Leprechaun work diligently to create embarrassing wrestlers who have no business headlining their county fair, let alone appearing on national television.

No sir, Brad Armstrong brings me no joy. It’s the real men, who stick out like a sore thumb, who are forced to change their names to “Valentino” so as not to upset the Hammer, that really make me happy. Scott, I expect you to do a few things for this blog for the damage you’ve caused.

1 – Please review the gallery below to fully understand what constitutes a real jobber.




2 – Stop dodging the topic of “Montreal” and answer the damn questions once and for all.

3 – Please log on to Candy Crush Saga and send a free life to Dougie; he does not appear to have one.


*****

This week on the Power Hour, a huge rematch is scheduled, where Cactus Jack gets one more crack at Paul Orndorff. Half of that match sounds phenomenal.

TONY SCHIAVONE, fresh from the shower and wearing a shirt made out of leftover cyclist spandex welcomes us to an exciting morning on the Power Hour. LARRY ZBYSZKO is here, but is thinking about golf.
                                                                                                                                       

BRIAN PILLMAN and STEVE AUSTIN vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL and BRAD ARMSTRONG

Bagwell and Armstrong have come together through a hometown connection of Marietta, Georgia, which carries more credibility than the modern of system of “hey, I’m a babyface now, we’re friends”. Austin and Pillman move in to beat the shit out of them before the bell, but with peaches and cream and the clear running through their veins, Team Georgia knocks them out of the ring. Austin’s not impressed, and screams at the ref to “TELL ‘EM BOYS TO OPEN UP THOSE FISTS, JESUS CHRIST!” Saturday morning programming! Pillman tries to level Armstrong with a double sledge, but Brad dodges and drives a closed fist into his midsection. Cheater! A hungry Austin gets the tag, and he squares off with Bagwell. Buff gets in a few moments of glory before Austin simply catches him and holds him steady for Pillman to drop an elbow on his head. Pillman calls for the end, but Bagwell blocks a big splash off the top with a foot, and makes the hot tag. Armstrong cleans house, planting Austin with a dropkick, but the referee misses the pin because Bagwell’s being a turd. Pillman intervenes, and a double Stun Gun is all she wrote at 4:01. This was a 20-minute match on crack. **1/2

I may watch too much Saved by the Bell, because I far too quickly recognize the unnamed blonde tennis player in a Pert Plus commercial as Zack’s manager Mindy from “Rockumentary”. If you think my WCW recaps are far too long, give me a 22 minute episode of Saved by the Bell and I’ll bang out a novel.

THE BARBARIAN (with Cactus Jack) vs. TIM DIXON

This is much more my speed, yessir. Dixon hilariously decides to jump the Barbarian … who stands there and stares at him, trying to decide if he’s special needs. Eventually it’s on, and Barbarian beats him with more force than Gordon Ramsay at an omelette convention. Kick of Fear (dot com!) finishes at 1:29.

In this week’s edition of Missy Does the Mail, MISSY HYATT is … not facing the camera, and rocking out on another planet. Eventually she realizes she’s being filmed, snaps back to reality, and addresses a letter from Sonny Onoo from Mason City, Iowa who wants to party with Missy. Missy’s thoroughly disgusted at the notion of partying with someone from Iowa; hell, she won’t even hang out with Tom and Roseanne Arnold. Sonny also asks who she’s partied with. Missy refuses to tell … for about 8 seconds before insinuating she was recently double teamed by the Rock n Roll Express in Vegas.

Missy’s deviant sexual behavior during the Saturday morning cartoon lineup aside, we need to address the fact that 2 years before he tried to buy WCW from Bobby Heenan, Sonny Onoo was brought up! I should probably be completely appalled that the evil foreigner is actually from Iowa, but when he was asked about his hometown he always answered that he was from “my many homes around the world”, so Iowa isn’t that much of a stretch. I am, however, interested to learn more about his trashy white woman fetish. I just don’t see how Missy stands out from the crowd, given that he comes from a country that sold used panties straight out of vending machines (at the time – though this article will explain that industry has now collapsed in favor of the bottle of urine industry). Heenan used to claim Sonny was a man of great taste ... how can I trust anything the Brain ever tells me again? The curtain’s been lifted and there’s no going back.

BARRY WINDHAM vs. DAVE HART

Dave is the never-talked-about 9th Hart brother, and it’s largely because of the acid washed tights he’s trying to style. He has the hints of a potentially amazing mullet, but it’s just starting to sprout and has a long way to go. A jumping DDT sends Hart back to the Dungeon at 1:44.

If you thought the premature appearance of Sonny Onoo was going to be this week’s highlight – I’m afraid we’re about to get overshadowed by a tsunami.

Earlier this week, STING was invited to a party at the White Castle of Fear, and armed with an expensive TV crew and helicopter, he made his way to the Rocky Mountains. And, he seems to actually believe it’s going to be a party, because he’s antsy as hell while the copter gets moving, clapping nervously and wanting to get down. On his way there, Sting has time to mull over key questions, like does Vader really want to play a game, and is this a trap? However, there is no time to consider these rational thoughts, because through the miracle of modern television, seconds later we are landing, as Sting reviews his invitation one more time.


The “White Castle” isn’t so much a castle at all – but actually one of the back door portals that eventually became known to us as the Dungeon of Doom. Dark, damp, cold … this is clearly the first time Vader’s had a new guest at his house in years, and he’s trying like hell to impress. A large spread of fruit has been tastefully laid out, and acting as the centrepiece is his oversized horned Japanese gas mask that he sometimes wears to the ring for intimidation. Tonight is no time for intimidation … tonight is a night for friendship. While Vader is completely unseen as we pan the area, you can bet he’s pacing around in the back nervously, hoping Sting really likes the party.

Sting arrives, as a sultry blonde seductively works over an apple. More ladies lie in the mist, eagerly anticipating Sting’s arrival. Vader has spared no expensive tonight, as Dirty Dan’s Pink Kitty Escort team is out in full force, and they are fawning over Sting like a cat over a bowl of tuna. Sting heads over, arms open, as the bevy of beauties force themselves on him, and he smiles that playboy smile. Elsewhere, Vader is pumping himself up in front of a mirror, and Harley Race happens in to tell him the guest of honor has arrived. Vader grins devilishly.

Back in the party room, Sting appears on the verge of spraying whipped cream all over his dong, which might have set off an avalanche … but distracting us is a one-eyed midget, who keeps telling us that Sting needs to play the game. Back off chump, Sting’s been playing the game since he walked in, and he’s about to get more play than Wilt Chamberlain. Except … one of the girls turns to him and tells Sting that he’s about to lose the game. All the women suddenly turn their heads as the music lowers, making one evil scowl after another. Realizing he’s not going to have sex, Sting turns to the camera and tells America “there’s something familiar about all of this”.

After Vader destroys his mirror, he walks out into the party room, draped in what appears to be a polar bear rug. Needing a confidence boost, Vader asks the party goers just who the man is. The ladies, knowing who’s buttering their bread tonight, start a tripped out “Vader” chant, while the one-eyed midget gets all up in his grill and tells him “you’re the man!” Vader groans in orgasmic pleasure.

Sting compliments Vader on his place, telling him it’s very reminiscent of his personality … cold. OH SNAP, STING DONE CROSSED A LINE SON! Harley Race cracks up, telling him he’s very funny, and then asks him if he’s ready to play. Sting asks the question on everyone’s mind … what the hell is the game, exactly? Instead of answering, Vader starts uncontrollably grunting and panting, and honestly I’m afraid he’s either shitting his pants or is having a stroke.

The spread of fruit is thrown across the room, and Vader tells Sting he’s about to show him what a real strap match is … Vader style! Everyone dies laughing, except the midget, who just keeps pointing and shaking like Michael J Fox, insisting they play the game. Sting grabs a strap, and a burst of lightning sets the table on fire. Both guys go into a tug of war, while the crowd gives a half-assed chant for “Vader”. They pull and sweat, when suddenly Vader gains the advantage. Sting is being dragged to a firey death … when the world explodes!!!! HOLY CRAP! Then we’re ordered to buy Superbrawl if we want to find out how this ends!

Years later, I think we can all agree this is the best moment in the history of professional wrestling, and easily the finest sell job for a pay-per-view in history. That cliff-hanger will never be topped. Did the room explode? Did Sting eventually succumb to the fire? Or maybe did Vader let up, tell him he’s just kidding, and to go have his way with the ladies as he chooses? Seriously, I won’t know unless I shell out money to my cable provider, which seems like more of a necessity than an option.

WCW tries like hell to keep pace with the amazing segment we just saw by re-airing the phenomenal 2 Cold Scorpio video – but there’s no amount of steppin’ or truancy that is going to come close to playing the game.

PAUL ORNDORFF vs. CACTUS JACK

Cactus shoves the referee out of the way and starts violently working over Orndorff’s skull. The referee figures what the hell, and lets it ride. Jack headbutts Orndorff to the point of near unconsciousness, but a pinfall attempt only gets 2. Jack keeps on, but Paul throws a desperation knee lift and Jack is seeing stars. A faceplant keeps the advantage, and Orndorff works a choke hold. Jack throws an elbow in the face in retaliation, which seems like a good game plan. A legdrop across the ropes has a guillotine effect, and despite the protests of the referee, Jack chokes him out in the ropes. Orndorff rakes the eyes, which is just enough distraction to pull Jack by the hair, driving him head first to the mat. Jack completely no sells, and slams Orndorff into the buckle before tossing him through the middle rope. Jack charges, but Orndorff is ready and backdrops him onto the exposed cement – yikes. Jack tries to get back into the ring, but Orndorff cuts him off and suplexes the big man across the floor again! Back in, Paul drives his knee into Jack’s midsection, before rearing back with the camel clutch. Jack points his guns to the heavens, which triggers his version of the Hulk Up, the Jack Off. A series of elbows get Orndorff to release the hold, and a running elbow smash knocks Orndorff out. A backbreaker sets up a second rope legdrop, but Orndorff gets to the ropes to break the pinfall. The pair heads back to the floor, where they stagger around like drunken soldiers for awhile, leading to a double countout at 9:55. This wasn’t a particularly inspired brawl, with both guys more going through the motions than anything. Can we just move Jack on to Vader? *1/2


After a quick reminder that WCW has been brought to you by Bart’s Nightmare for the SNES, and that Missy Hyatt’s hair and makeup were done by Super Hair – 15, we sign off until 6:05pm when Saturday Night takes centre stage.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

WCW Saturday Night: January 23, 1993

JIM ROSS and LARRY ZBYSZKO welcome us in for two hours of WCW Saturday Night. JR’s horned up for Superbrawl III, but he’s cut off by entrance music before he can even start running down the card.

SCOTTY FLAMINGO and BOB COOK vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL and JOHNNY B BADD

For god knows what reason, Johnny decides to grab hold of his home-grown Badd Blaster, and shake it around like a low hanging maraca. Now, being the home of the Atlanta Braves, it’s entirely plausible he’s simply adjusting his junk like a seasoned ballplayer, but he seemed to be doing a lot more than a cup shift. Even Jeff Blauser, who lead the league in crotch grabs in 1993, is sitting at home wondering what in the hell he just saw. So, given that Flamingo, Bagwell, and Badd are relatively even in the pecking order, you know Cook is doing the job here. And, despite knocking Bagwell clear into spring training with a big right hand, it is indeed Cook who takes the fall from a backslide courtesy of Bagwell at 5:43. A bodyslide would have been far funnier – but Johnny already surpassed the x-rated content allowed for this program. *1/2

TONY SCHIAVONE catches up with a far-too-proud BARRY WINDHAM backstage, still giddy over costing Steamboat the US title last week. He congratulates Rhodes on winning the title by himself, as he’s always been capable of doing. Looking ahead to Superbrawl III, Windham is getting a crack at the NWA title against Muta. This has been a career goal of his, and in less than a month, all his dreams are going to come true.

“BUMBLING” BILL WATTS hooks up with JIM ROSS to talk about Rick Rude’s recent stripping … of the US title. Rude is refusing to give up the gold apparently, so despite Rhodes being the champ, he’s without the belt. Watts has a stern message for Rude: The only way he’s going to be able to keep the belt is to come back and win it from Rhodes. That … really doesn’t make any sense at all. Of course, this is the same man who banned top rope maneuvers, so he’s not exactly a fountain of brilliance. Then, channelling his inner Gene Snitsky, he declares that what happened to Steamboat was not Dustin’s fault. He trashes that lousy NFL for using replay, because they’re pure and would never overturn a referee’s decision. Except the 4000 times it happened during the Dusty Rhodes era.

VINNIE VEGAS vs. CHAD BYRD

Oh god, Byrd might be the worst looking jobber of 1993 to date. He’s been gifted Ricky Morton’s hair, Sheamus’ complexion, Roddy Piper’s 2003 body, and Debra McMichael’s ruby red lips. I would have immediately pushed him to the moon. Unfortunately, WCW doesn’t possess the same kind of long-term money drawing vision that I do, and he falls victim to Snake Eyes at 1:20. NEXT!

CHRIS BENOIT vs. JOHNNY RICH

Look, I love a young Chris Benoit and all, but WCW is positively tantalizing me with Johnny Rich! This guy smiles, and immediately becomes the spitting image of Troy McClure. This guy can’t miss! You might remember him from such beatings as this one. The fans chant boring because they’ve got lima beans for brains, but Benoit ignores them and kicks the shit out of Johnny Rich. Chris goes to finish with a crucifix, but Rich drops back with a Samoan drop, and everything changes! A dropkick gets 2! A powerslam gets 2! And just when you’re thinking upset, Benoit does a standing switch and murders the movie star with the Dragon Suplex at 4:03. **1/2

Meanwhile, inter-promotional foreigners, THE ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS, are given promo time. Morton says he’s not the same man he used to be when he was active in WCW, but just like old times, they took the SMW tag-team titles from a team managed by Jim Cornette. They become the first team from another promotion to wrestle on a WCW pay-per-view next month. I’d be far more impressed if it was The Rockers.

THE WRECKING CREW vs. THE ITALIAN STALLION and LARRY SANTO

Zbyszko gives a shout out to our new commander in chief, Hillary Clinton. He thinks he’s funny, but he’s possibly clairvoyant. I’d like to give a special shoutout to this match, featuring 4 wrestlers I couldn’t give a damn about. You’d think a gimmick like “The Italian Stallion” would be right up my alley, but given the fact he is not, and will never be Rocky Balboa, I wish he’d choke on a bresaola log. Team Ugly wins with the Wrecking Ball at 4:05. Begone terrible wrestlers. 1/2*

Of course, I am not that lucky, because the victors hang around to talk to LARRY ZBYSZKO. Fury screams about the Minnesota Wrecking Crew for some reason, before declaring themselves the new Wrecking Crew. The upshot – they want a tag-team title shot. If they lose, can they leave town, and possibly earth?

PAT ROSE vs. ROBBIE V (in an Underdog Challenge)

Robbie V is a positively adorable newcomer to WCW, armed with cute little rosy red cheeks. This guy is what grandmother’s dream of for their granddaughters.


Pat Rose is of course an old veteran, competing since 1983, known for his epic wars against the fire ball throwing Japanese legend, King Koopa. Given the odds stacked against young Robbie, this is an aptly named Underdog Challenge. Robbie ducks the initial sequence with the splits, and then snaps off an ultra-fast kick that sends Rose to the floor. Rose tries to regroup, but he takes a springboard crossbody for 2. The fans are loving the kid here, who happily appeases their cheers with a triple jump armbar, which he hangs on to and works on the mat. Rose fights him off, and uses a choke hold – going completely against the plumber code of conduct. Robbie fights off a sleeper by ducking down and driving Pat’s head into the buckle, and he quickly puts on one of his own. Rose jabs a thumb into Robbie’s eye, and might be setting him up for his finisher – jumping on his head. But instead, V hits a spin kick and finishes with a split legged moonsault at 5:54! ** About three years later, Rob Van Dam ripped off this guy’s body of work and became a star in ECW.

 Stylin’ and profilin’ from Parts Unknown, VADER, PAUL ORNDORFF, and HARLEY RACE are angry. I’m not entirely sure why – because they seem to know they have the upper hand on the Z Man and Johnny Gunn, who they face later tonight, but it doesn’t stop them from screaming and grunting a lot.

Z MAN and JOHNNY GUNN vs. VADER and PAUL ORNDORFF (with Harley Race)

Call the coroner, this won’t take long. JR’s excited for the opportunity here for Gunn and Z Man, because he’s optimistic to the point of needing an intervention. JR speculates that they should implement a game plan on not letting Vader tag in, which would be right up there with Hulk Hogan not using racist language during the social media era on the Obvious scale. Vader then tags in, roughly 30 seconds into the contest, and starts pawing at Gunn like a bear. Gunn manages to drop down to avoid a crossbody, and Vader crashes to the floor. Gunn nails him with a tope, but Orndorff is waiting in the rings to beat him off. Back in, Vader happily murders Gunn in front of Zenk, begging him to tag in, but Zenk can’t be bothered. Bored, Vader tags out and Orndorff hits a t-bone on Gunn … leaving him lying right in front of Zenk, who’s suddenly full of piss and vinegar and willing to tag in NOW. Orndorff immediately tags out to Vader anyway, and Zenk gets beaten around like a punching bag. Some of those shots look extra stiff, likely for being a total pansy earlier. He tags out, and Gunn comes in for round 2. He decides toe-to-toe with Vader is the best way to handle this, and he has his dropkick swatted away like Vader’s dealing with a mosquito. The big splash sets up the powerbomb for the win at 6:38. ** Orndorff then piledrives Zenk on the cement, because he’s fun like that.

STING is interviewed by TONY SCHIAVONE in this week’s edition of WCW Up Close. Tony takes us back to last year’s Great American Bash, which Tony calls a “fantastic night”, clearly not knowing his audience because poor Sting lost the belt to Vader that night. Sting says it was a physical night, and he tried to outlast Vader, figuring 250 pounds would have more stamina than 450. However, he misjudged Vader’s stamina, and one powerbomb later, his run as champion was over. Tony asks him to compare the Bash match to his Starrcade match for the King of Cable. Sting says he used the same strategy, just trying to wear him out. This time though, he felt Vader wearing down, and as soon as he felt him huffing and puffing, he pounced and managed to pick up the win. This takes us to the rubber match at Superbrawl, once again for the belt. But first, he needs to visit the White Castle of Fear. Sting says he knows nothing of this White Castle of Fear, but he’s played games before, defeating Jake Roberts in his own Spin the Wheel Make a Deal match. So he doesn’t really care what Vader has planned, because he never runs away from challenges. More looks than brains on that one.

2 COLD SCORPIO vs. BARRY WINDHAM

Scorpio’s role is pretty undefined at this point. He wins the lion’s share of his matches (results of this one notwithstanding), has a little flash and funk in his repertoire, but … where’s he going? It’s 1993, so he’s far too small to be taken seriously making a run at the big belts, and they’ve already given up on the Cruiserweight thing, so he’s treading water now. Tonight he’s actually drowning, on the receiving end of an extended squash. Barry brings the funny by ordering the referee “DO YOUR JOB!” following a regular 2 count. Scorpio tries a comeback, but his slingshot 450 completely misses the mark, letting Barry nail the Implant for the easy win at 5:09. Scorpio’s always got his steppin’. *1/2

LARRY ZBYSZKO has made his way to the bowels of the building, where CACTUS JACK and THE BARBARIAN are hangin’. Jack tells Orndorff that as long as his neck snaps, crackles, and pops like “a bowl of sadistic Rice Krispies” that he’s not finished with him. He suggests that if he and Barbarian show up on Wonderful’s doorstep, that he not come out and play.

Cactus Jack makes a piss poor neighbor.

TEX SLAZINGER and SHANGHAI PIERCE vs. CACTUS JACK and THE BARBARIAN

The fans scream wildly for Cactus Jack, which he doesn’t seem to appreciate at all. Instead, he turns his attention to the match at hand, and decides to fight both cowboys at the exact same time. Slazinger gets dumped, and Jack goes to drop the elbow off the apron, but Tex rolls away as fast as he can before Foley can even take flight. The fans are a rowdy bunch, chanting now for Tex, and going wild during every one of his moves. And finally, they simply decide to over sell every move – the audience version of Curt Hennig, and let out “ohhhhhhhhh!” after every single move, adding barks when the Barbarian’s involved. Barbarian delivers the Kick of Fear to the back of Slazinger’s head, but a second one misses, and Pierce helps his buddy change momentum – including a gentle boot to the back of the head getting a loud “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Jack comes in and hits the double arm DDT on Pierce out of the blue, and we have winners at 5:17. This was awful, with no flow, but the fans were in their smarkiest glory, and I enjoyed this. 1/2*

RICKY STEAMBOAT vs. DUSTIN RHODES (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)

Rhodes has stolen one of Sting’s Sgt. Pepper jackets, which is probably gonna catch him some hell later. Or not, Sting’s a pushover. “DID YOU STEAL MY JACKET?” “No.” “Okay pal, I must be mistaken.” Rhodes works an STF, drawing a “BORING” chant – and quite frankly, they’re right. Steamboat counters with a half nelson, rolling Rhodes around for a series of 2 counts, but not able to finish. Larry calls this a human game of chess; and the biggest tell that your match is going to hell in a handbasket fast is when Larry Zbyszko is enjoying himself. The guys trade hiptoss attempts, reversing repeatedly until they fall to the floor. Steamboat doesn’t take kindly to this, suggesting that Rhodes did … something or other, and the next thing you know, they’re fighting! During a wrestling match! Well I never! Steamboat eventually bitch slaps Rhodes, and Dustin gives it right back, upsetting the referee because he doesn’t need this in the middle of a professional wrestling match. Steamboat slams Rhodes a couple of times, but his big splash is blocked by the knees. They trade some near falls, with an inside cradle nearly causing a double pin, but no one stays down for the 3. Steamboat goes for a sleeper, but Rhodes counters with a beautiful Stunner for 2! A high knee from Rhodes sets up the bulldog, but Steamboat shoves him off just as TV time expires at 9:40. This picked up towards the end, but these guys aren’t clicking at all. Sadly, their feud doesn’t appear over, so we’ll probably be forced to do this at least one more time before Windham slides back in against Dustin. **

Not much to see here, but Van Dam’s TV debut is probably worth a peak. Thankfully, our trip to the White Castle of Fear is right around the corner … play the game Sting, play the game.

Monday, August 3, 2015

WCW Worldwide: January 23, 1993

Last year, I recapped the trials and tribulations of Roddy Piper’s entrance into WCW. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There were moments when he had me in the palm of his hand, believing that he was the baddest man on the planet, and the only guy we could trust. There were moments where I couldn’t stand another second of him being shoved down my throat. And there were moments of some of the purest, most unintentionally hilarious television in history.

And it’s that last part, for which I’ll always remember Roddy Piper.

A lot of people will cite the coconut to the head of Jimmy Snuka, his emotional Intercontinental title win, or any of his legendary battles with Hulk Hogan. Those iconic moments are important, they’re historical. But I’m a horse of a different color. I thrive on the utterly ridiculous. And Roddy Piper was a gold mine.

During his initial WCW run, I got to witness:

  • ·         A VHS tape, delivered to Tony Schiavone by an obviously crazy person, which in turn Tony decided we HAD to watch immediately – despite the fact anything could be on the tape. On the tape … was Roddy Piper singing “I’m Your Man”, which somehow translated to Starrcade 1996.
  • ·         Taking the WCW audience, play by play, for a job he once did for Mr. T, a decade earlier.
  • ·         Roddy Piper being stretchered out of an arena while screaming in tongues.
  • ·         Mr. and Mrs. Murray – WCW’s geriatric Gaelic translation team, who are able to tell us, definitively, that Piper was screaming “the battle isn’t over until you get home” which somehow translated to Superbrawl VII.


You never knew what you were getting with the Hot Rod, which was part of his charm. You could just as easily get the bone-chilling promo right before Superbrawl VII, as you could get him going completely off script and making Piper’s Pit at Wrestlemania 21 a completely indecipherable segment.

My favorite Roddy Piper story of them all is the legendary trips that he and Ric Flair took to the Domincan Republic – where Roddy did such an amazing job of riling up the locals that Ric was forced to drop the NWA title, lest he be shot and killed. Of course, even under the pressure of death wouldn’t stop, screaming The Star Spangled Banner at obnoxiously loud levels, waving around the flag, and basically trying to incite a war. I suspect if he’d been stabbed on the way out he’d have worn the scars as a badge of honor. He wasn’t right … and we loved him that way.

I hated the fact that his 2006 run with Ric Flair was cut short due to cancer. He looked like he was having the time of his life, hanging out with his best friend, in the role of Crazy Old Men Tag-Team Champions against a group of male cheerleaders. It looked like it was exactly what the doctor had ordered to keep him young at heart … until the doctor ordered surgery instead.

Between him and Dusty Rhodes, the chances of having someone go off script and piss off the WWE figureheads have dropped about 90%, and that’s simply a shame. I just hope he was healthy and happy in his final days, and that his family has peace amongst themselves.

****

Meanwhile, over on WCW Worldwide, they’ve stacked the card one more time – because we’re going to see not only Tex Slazinger, but ALSO Shanghai Pierce … TOGETHER AS ONE! Don’t go messin’ with a hooded boy.

Our hosts are JESSE VENTURA and TONY SCHIAVONE’s incredible hair-part. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was also styling my hair the exact same way in January of 1993, but of course I was 10.



THE BARBARIAN vs. 2 COLD SCORPIO

The Barbarian is hailed as being from Parts Unknown, but did they ever bother just asking him? He seemed pretty open about his Tongan Roots just a couple years later. Don’t expect any answers from Scorpio, he’s too consumed with steppin’. A missile dropkick takes the mysterious Barbarian off his feet, and when he rolls outside to take a breather, Scorpio hits an axehandle off the apron. Back in, Scorpio goes for a Frankensteiner, and he gets powerbombed for his insolence. A backbreaker doesn’t yield a submission, so Barbarian must be showing restraint tonight. A dropkick attempt is swatted away, and a clothesline sends Scorpio to the floor. Tony says it’s not a DQ because momentum carried him over and not deliberate activity. It was a deliberate clothesline, and momentum is ALWAYS the cause of someone careening to the floor, so da fock is he talking about?!? Scorpio comes back with a crappy belly to back suplex, and his slingshot legdrop gets 2. Sweet Chin Music sets up a slingshot 450 splash, but Barbarian kicks out and backdrops Scorpio to the floor for a DQ at 4:18. I hate this stupid over the top rule, there is no rhyme or reason to its consistency. The fact this remained a plot point until 1997 is just insane. 1/2*

From WCW Magazine, Weather Man Wannabe ERIC BISCHOFF joins us. He takes us through the Vinnie Vegas / Van Hammer feud that is lighting the world on fire, and apologizes that we aren’t going to get the arm-wrestling match we’re all clamouring for because of Hammer’s injury. Bait and switch.

ERIK WATTS vs. PAT ROSE

Pat Rose is probably better known to video-gamers around the country, so you might not have been aware of his brief career crisis in early 1993 where he dabbled with a little pro-wrestling.



Thankfully, Erik Watts is the definition of “walking Goomba”, so this is a wonderful place for Pat to start. He pounds his opponent early, but when he reaches into his tights for the star of invincibility, it slips away. The momentary lapse is enough for Watts to hit a lariat and throw on the STF at 1:05. Don’t waste your time Pat, the princess in THIS castle is Missy Hyatt. She’ll try and tempt you with mushrooms, but they taste like regret and the clap.

JESSE VENTURA asks for an interview with Watts, and he’s pissed off at both father and son for what happened to Arn Anderson at the gas station. Erik says Bill did nothing; but Jesse says that Erik always does what his “daddy tells you to”. Erik freaks out that he’s his own man. No one believes you.

BARRY WINDHAM vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG

Barry reads the riot act to Armstrong before they lock up, and Brad responds with a sassy little bitch slap. Given the 6 inch, 100 pound disparity here, I’m gonna rate that a solid “George Steele” on the scale of smartest things I’ve seen in pro-wrestling. Lo and behold, a forearm shot gets an audible groan from the audience, and a spinning belly to back has Armstrong likely regretting his early decision. Brad backdrops loose from a powerbomb attempt, but Windham pops back up and goes back to the whoopin’. Armstrong throws a desperation dropkick that sends Windham through the ropes, but all that does is get him kicked in the face and planted with the jumping DDT at 3:50. *1/2

Elsewhere, TONY SCHIAVONE asks to chat with PAUL ORNDORFF, and he’s in a foul mood. Orndorff, not Tony. He calls Sting a ham n egger (what exactly does that MEAN anyway?), and wants to fight him anywhere in the country. HARLEY RACE makes his way out, thankful he’s got Paul in his camp.

TEX SLAZINGER and SHANGHAI PIERCE vs. RICKY STEAMBOAT and SHANE DOUGLAS (for the WCW world tag-team titles)

So the story goes that apparently old Tex is under a mask because Watts felt that he was too good looking to get a heelish reaction. Yes, Henry Godwinn, sex symbol. Had they marketed him as the hunk du jour, that ALONE would have been ample to get the negative reaction they were looking for; the redneck version of Buddy Rose. Naked Mideon could have been a thing years ahead of its (unfortunate) time! The heels dominate the bulk of the action, and sadly that doesn’t make for a very good match since neither guy is any good. Steamboat plays our man in peril, making Shane Douglas our hero tonight, and I don’t think I can live in that kind of a world. Douglas gets the easy win with a cross body at 5:32 to retain. *

JESSE VENTURA congratulates the champions on their win, but informs them that Austin and Pillman are asking for a rematch, next week on Worldwide. Steamboat’s ready to get down to business, and welcomes the challenge. Oh boy.

STEVE AUSTIN and BRIAN PILLMAN grab the main event slot to talk with TONY SCHIAVONE. Pillman says it’s going to be a sad irony to look back at the career of Steamboat and Douglas and realize that they’re simply going to be known as the team that launched the era of Austin and Pillman. Austin laughs it up, and when Tony tells us he’ll see us next week, Austin barks “I DON’T WANT TO WAIT TIL NEXT WEEK” with a shit eating grin on his face.


Bit of a bore this week, but it sets the table for a killer showdown next week, which enough for me.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

WCW Power Hour: January 23, 1993

CruelConnectionNumber2: Barbarian is a babyface! For like 2 weeks.

Yes, it wasn’t until 1993 that the fans were finally able to accept what had been true since the 80’s … that the Barbarian was simply the greatest physical specimen to ever set foot on planet earth. These two weeks were the WCW Universe’s way of handing him a lifetime achievement award. “We are not worthy” is the sentiment of the day, and will be carrying us through the next several millennia.

It’s WCW’s most powerful hour, it’s THE Power Hour! TONY SCHIAVONE and LARRY ZBYSZKO have exciting news: they have personally signed a rematch between Cactus Jack and The Barbarian against Vader and Paul Orndorff. Does Tony wield that much influence? Or, is that the gimmick of this show – he who hosts the Hour holds The Power?

2 COLD SCORPIO vs. DEATH ROW

Death Row hails from “The State Penitentiary”, and shock of all shocks, is a large black man. Hulk Hogan has nothing on Bill Watts circa 1993.


Tony has a major announcement as they lock up: That due to popular demand, they will air 2 Cold’s video next week once again! So many kids, not enough step. Death Row runs Scorpio over with a body bump. Unless this guy’s got an impending date with the governor, just stab a bitch, make it quick. Row somehow throws a dropkick, and Tony is beside himself. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to follow up, and Scorpio finishes with a spinning legdrop for the pin at 2:50. ***** for the dropkick.

MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL and BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. BOB COOK and BUDDY LEE PARKER

Larry compares the Sarge to a pitbull which seems decidedly unfair to Craig Pittman. Of course, he’s like no pitbull I’ve ever seen, given that he takes a beating for most of the match, and submissively lets it happen. The only reason the government would make it illegal to own this guy, is because it would simply be too embarrassing to have him guarding your house. This guy could be intimidated by a postman. Speaking of – why hasn’t a postal worker ever made their way into the squared circle? Violent sociopaths are the name of the game here, and given the recent cutbacks in the field, it might not be a bad career transition. “Special delivery, John Cena … YOUR ASS!” And the foreign objects? You could choke him out with your satchel, jab him in the eye with a letter opener, or bash him over the head with a mysterious package which will ALWAYS be carrying an anvil. While I’m putting together a character business plan for Vince McMahon, Bagwell pins Cook with the fisherman’s suplex at 3:49. *1/2

Today’s program is brought to you by Berry Berry Kix. I hadn’t seen it in forever, but during my last trip to the States, there it was, in all its Kid Tested glory! If the 90’s are making a return, then I’m getting a cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski and shoving it under my bed, pronto.

VINNIE VEGAS vs. JOE PECKS

I can’t decide who looks worse. We have Joe Pecks, who’s got more bloat than Triple H taking a week off from the gym, or Kevin Nash, in pink hospital scrubs. I’m gonna give Nash the edge on this one, simply for wearing that while trying to be the coolest guy in the room. Snake Eyes takes care of business at 1:21.

WCW is brought to you by … professional bullying! And Lark Voorhies!



MISSY HYATT welcomes us to Missy Does the Mail! She’s asked about her feelings on Dustin Rhodes. She thinks he’s okay, but of course, he’s only the champion because Barry Windham made it so. She says it wasn’t a conspiracy or anything; but that Barry wants Dustin to hold the US belt, just so he can take it from him. Holy hell, Missy’s the only commentator who’s thinking around here. Must be the extra protein intake.

THE WRECKING CREW vs. JOHNNY RICH and JOEY MAGGS

Thank the lord the stay for the Crew is gonna be short lived, because I don’t think I can keep taking these goons on every single show. The bumbling geniuses spend about 80% of the match accidentally hitting each other before getting their shit together long enough to finish Rich with the Wrecking Ball at 4:25. 1/2*

CACTUS JACK and THE BARBARIAN vs. VADER (with Harley Race) and PAUL ORNDORFF (in a no disqualification match)

All hell breaks loose before the bell even rings, and seconds into this thing, Jack is already dropping an elbow onto Orndorff from the apron to the concrete floor. Order is restored for god knows what reason – because I’m fairly sure Barbarian and Vader can tell the referee “go fuck yourself” when he orders them back to their respective corners. Jack takes a man sized beating from both guys, with Vader immediately going into his “WHO’S THE MAN?” deal. Vader splashes Foley’s head, because he’s fun like that, and only a save from the Barbarian keeps this match going. Jack is tossed over the top rope, hitting it FACE FIRST! Dude, that’s NOT necessary! A thick non-folding chair is smashed over Jack’s head, and Vader goes for an avalanche against the ring post. Jack moves at the last second, and Vader goes in face first! Foley starts waving the chair around at anything moving, even giving a little payback to Harley! The referee desperately tries to restore order, as Barbarian gets the hot tag, and he starts laying waste to both guys. Orndorff stop the attack with a rake to the eyes, and a Vader powerslam gets 2. Jack makes his way back in, clotheslining both guys, trying to gain some sort of advantage here. A running legdrop on Orndorff gets 2, as Vader drops an elbow over his head. Vader and Barbarian head to the floor, while Paul drops a knee off the top rope, and the heels pick up the win at 6:31. ***

Vader tosses a fan out of his chair, using it on Barbarian … but Barbarian roars to the heavens and attacks like a wild python, striking at everything! Tony decides this is all too much for humanity and ushers us off the air as quickly as possible, plugging Saturday Night on the way out.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

WCW Main Event: January 17, 1993

In the world of professional wrestling, there are shows, there are events, there are special events, and then there’s … THE MAIN EVENT! We have a genuinely stacked show tonight; where both the Barbarian and Cactus Jack get to seek a little redemption against Harley Race’s gang o’ scumbags, and Erik Watts sees his first action since his arrest.

JIM ROSS and MICHAEL P.S. HAYES are your hosts, coming to you LIVE in front of a Green Screen. Superbrawl III, hype hype hype.

RON SIMMONS vs. TONY ATLAS

Michael Hayes leaves the commentary booth, following what I like to believe was a fairly ugly confrontation with Dok Hendrix, leaving JR alone to call this one. Atlas runs over Simmons with a bunch of shoulderblocks, and then delivers a big splash while Ron’s lying on his side, which probably didn’t feel particularly good to either guy. Simmons comes back with a pair of shoulderblocks of his own, and Atlas takes a nose-full of powder. Back in, Atlas poses like a special needs jungle cat, and Simmons shoots a look to the crowd that clearly gives the message of “dah fock is wrong with that man?” A test of strength follows, and Atlas CHEATS by kicking Ron in the gut. That just serves to piss Simmons off, and he suplexes Atlas clear across the ring. A shoulderblock misses, and Simmons hits the buckle. JR’s quick to play up that Simmons actually needs surgery on the shoulder, and Atlas is all over it, laying more damage to his rotator cuff than Mark Prior’s delivery. Still, Simmons is able to come back with a powerslam, and he scores a quick win at 6:11. Simmons would have been far better served to just squash jobbers for awhile, instead of having Tony Atlas ploddingly kick his ass before pulling out the “upset”. It’s a perilous time for Ron, following his title loss, and he needs a series of strong wins to keep his credibility strong. 1/2*

JR announces that Watts’ suspension has been lifted after the review of the video footage that proved Erik’s innocence. Dude – he was making out with underage children, he needs to serve some serious time!

ERIK WATTS vs. RIP ROGERS

Rogers is basically Ricky Morton with Vince Russo’s beard. It’s utterly terrifying, I assure you. And speaking of terrifying, Watts applies a “hammerlock”. Rogers pokes Watts in the eyes, but Watts has no idea how to sell, so he sunset flips Rogers for 2. A flying forearm smash sets up the STF, and Watts is your winner at 3:40. DUD

THE WRECKING CREW vs. TOMMY ANGEL and TERRY BRONSON

Yep, we’re still pushing these goons, despite having 2 clear weeks of data to prove that they are atrocious. JR talked to Angel and Bronson before the show, and allegedly, they feel they can “compete” in WCW. And, to be fair, they are absolutely competing here, and getting totally destroyed. Bronson throws some desperate dropkicks, but they go nowhere, and the big ugly bad guys go back to kicking his ass. Fury delivers a DDT to Angel, but refuses to pin him because he’s either cocky, or brain damaged. In fact, they start tagging in and out without actually performing any moves, so draw your conclusions appropriately. Bronson gets the hot tag, which he uses to … run back and forth across the ring. I wish I was kidding, but he literally runs the ropes 6 consecutive times while the big guys wait to deliver the Wrecking Ball at 4:46. I’m going to assume Bronson’s only had one day of professional training to date, and has only learned how to run the ropes. 1/2*

THE BARBARIAN and CACTUS JACK vs. PAUL ORNDORFF and VADER (with Harley Race)

Yep – you done messed with the Barbarian, and now it’s time to pay the price. Vader asks “WHO’S DA MAN” repeatedly, which I assume is total rhetoric with Barbarian standing right there. Da Man starts with Orndorff, and he overpowers Mr. Wonderful to assert his dominance. The referee then holds him back, presumably to prevent Orndorff’s head from being popped off like a chicken, and Paul gets in a cheap shot. That just gets him a boot to the mouth, and Jack tags in. Orndorff chokes him out in the corner, which I’m fairly sure is foreplay in Jack’s world. In comes Vader, and he punches Mick in the ear and face repeatedly, but Cactus manages to throw up a foot to kick Vader in the face, and a forearm takes him down for 2. I love Vader’s selling, that anytime you can get in a big unexpected blow, he makes the Bald Bull face, and stands there completely stunned.


The pair brawl to the floor, and Harley takes liberties, holding Cactus hostage. However, Jack’s able to wiggle away at the last second, and the old man eats the clothesline. Barbarian tags in now, and he just feeds it to Vader. Vader gives it back, swiping those meaty palms back and forth, but Barbarian stands his ground. Orndorff comes in, choking Barbarian out. Barbarian stands up quickly, but a high knee takes him down. Barbarian powers out of the pinfall by launching Wonderful into orbit, and the Kick of Fear is delivered with some muster! Vader stops any pinfall attempt and dumps Barbarian, leaving Jack alone. Race holds him hostage against the ropes, but Jack wiggles loose again and Vader splashes his manger! Jack then takes the shocked Vader to the floor with a Cactus clothesline, and when Wonderful dives over the top to go after Barbarian, the referee has enough and throws this out at 5:58. As the double DQ is declared, Vader smashes Jack with a hard plastic chair; the non-folding type you probably had in your auditorium in school, over the head, full force. Barbarian rushes in, so Vader avalanches the pair of them against the guardrail, and leaves celebrating his destruction of the duo. Fantastic hard-hitting brawl, that needed at least 10 more minutes. ***

MICHAEL HAYES heads down to ringside to chat with Jack and Barbarian. Cactus is furious that nothing got done. He normally fights to hurt people, or profit, but this one’s pride. So, he demands a rematch between all 4, and this time, he wants no disqualification.


There’s no Main Event for the next 2 weeks, so JR hopes to see the match signed on the Power Hour this coming weekend. And, looking past Sting’s challenge at Superbrawl, they’ve got Jack lined up perfectly as a formidable, legitimate threat to the belt.  

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

WCW Saturday Night: January 16, 1993

InVerse: This is several years from being relevant to this post, but it felt really important to bring to CFB's attention but not quite important enough to warrant it's own thread.




I hadn’t realized prior to this evening just how important InVerse was to me – but reading this, it’s clear we’re going to be inseparable soul mates from this day forward.

But let’s not bury the lead here … RVD at Glacier? Suddenly, the entire mystery of “he’s coming” makes all the sense in the world. RVD spends ages learning from “this pretty gnarly old guy” who gave him “this really old hat” and taught him “kicks and stuff”. Unfortunately, he violated the sensei / student clause when he mistook meditating for self-medicating, and was told he had dishonored the warrior code. That was when struggling physical education teacher “Coach” Buzz Stern happened to be in the country on sabbatical, and even though he possessed very little skill of any kind, he definitely spent a lot less time trying to see which incense provided the best high – so he was hired.

WCW, having been notified that Glacier was on his way, began airing ads immediately. But, the process had to be started from scratch, with months of higher learning. Realizing he wasn’t picking up any of the martial arts, but determined not to be embarrassed, the sensei wisely covered his tracks by teaching him the most important thing about being a warrior … was to stretch out your entrances to last longer than the show, and thus you’d never be seen in action. Fewer words, more posing. After 6 months, he was ready. And, the legend was born.

LIVE on tape from somewhere, it’s WCW Saturday Night – and we have no time for anything because we’re already underway.

BARRY WINDHAM, BRIAN PILLMAN, and STEVE AUSTIN vs. BRAD ARMSTRONG, 2 COLD SCORPIO, and JOHNNY B BADD

 This is a pretty sick collection of talent, and Johnny B Badd. Sadly, we don’t get to see anywhere near enough of this. I could watch the heel team beat on Brad Armstrong all night, and never grow tired. There’s a fantastic sequences where after taking a bit of a pounding, Badd makes the hot tag to Scorpio. Scorpio pulls up the fists ready for a fight, and Windham gives a “really, kid?” look at him. 2 Cold winds up hitting a crossbody off the top onto Pillman, and then nearly scores an upset over Austin with a sunset flip. Johnny’s brought in, and promptly gets his ass kicked. Badd flails around desperately, so Windham calmly rakes his eyes and slams him into Austin’s boot. Armstrong tags in, and hit a high knee on Windham for 2. All hell breaks loose at this point, and Windham winds up sneaking in a jumping DDT on Badd for the pin at 7:45 of what aired. Good enough, but I wish we’d seen the whole thing. **

LARRY ZBYSZKO wants a word with Windham, bringing up that earlier in the night (which wasn’t aired), Watts made tonight’s match between Rhodes and Steamboat for the US title. Windham vows to watch with great interest, because “you never know what might happen”.

Our hosts are the aforementioned Larry, and JIM ROSS. Ross can’t stop talking about the “White Castle of Fear”, which we learned about at the Clash. And, because it never gets old, they replay the challenge from the Clash. “I KNOW YOU LIKE LIVING ON THE EDDDDDDDDDDDGE! COME TO THE WHITE CASTLE OF FEAR AND PLAY VADER’S GAME!!!!”

VADER (with Harley Race) vs. TIM DIXON (in a non-title match)

Vader doesn’t even wait for the bell to start destroying his prey. A running chest bump and clubbing paintbrushes sets up the big splash off the top. Then, for fun, he powerbombs Dixon, and folds him like a pancake for the easy pin at 1:27. Dixon gets carted out by a bunch of enhancement talent. Jobbers are so critical when building up the big guys … Vader just walks out of here looking nothing short of an unstoppable killer. Kevin Owens would benefit so much from a series of these on RAW over the coming months between big PPV matches.

TEDDY LONG wants to know what RON SIMMONS is bringing in 1993. Simmons says he’s accustomed to being a winner, and having held the gold, he’s got an addition to it now, and he will climb the mountain again.

Elsewhere, TONY SCHIAVONE has found ERIK WATTS. Tony replays the video sent in by the fans at the gas station, and asks for his comments. He’s feeling mighty pissy, because he’s not paid to fight in the streets. “It’s a profession of mine!” What other professions does he hold? Ballroom dancer? Hot stone masseuse? Shoe shine? Door to door sales representative? Tony – for fuck sakes, follow up on this! Watts tells Anderson he’s an easy man to find, so “come get me”. That … might not have been the smartest thing he’s ever said.

THE WRECKING CREW vs. KEITH COLE and CHRIS SULLIVAN

Oh yes!!! The return of Chris Sullivan! And paired with the flat-top mullet? This is like a dream! We’ve already established the Wrecking Crew are a couple of bumbling chowderheads, so I’m ready to watch my boys take this one to the next level. Cole, mullet flowing through the ring as he runs the ropes, runs Fury over with a back elbow. Chris Sullivan, with his bald pony tail and well-worn mustache ride, tries to throw Fury but it doesn’t work. That’s ok though Chris, you’re still the connoisseur of cunnilingus as far as I’m concerned. I mean, just look at this stud.


Unfortunately, the CoC falls victim to the Wrecking Ball at 5:30. ½*

No, not this wrecking ball


TONY SCHIAVONE talks with DUSTIN RHODES about his US title shot later tonight. He can’t wait to wrestle his good friend Ricky Steamboat. “I hope you brought your best game, because I brought mine”. Dustin strikes me as a Trouble kinda guy because really, who can resist that pop-o-matic bubble? Ricky probably doesn’t play board games, and grabbed whatever was available at his local garage sale. I’m going with this one.




Here to refute Dustin’s harsh words is RICKY STEAMBOAT. Steamboat calls him all the names in the book: good friend, comrade, former tag-team partner. Good god man, hold back some! His advice: “Don’t let up!”

MAX PAIN vs. RICK SAVAGE

Pain in the future Main Mountain Rock, who gained a strong cult following in the late 90’s with the only crew for some reason, but it didn’t last long. He looks like Ozzy Osbourne on HGH here. Pain nails a German suplex, and finishes with a hammerlock submission at 0:41. Strong debut.

Meanwhile, LARRY ZBYSZKO is hanging out with VINNIE VEGAS. Vin wants an arm-wrestling match against Van Hammer, this time with the left arm instead of the right. In fact, he wants to do it BARROOM STYLE!

Poor CACTUS JACK doesn’t get his own private interviewer. He calls out Vader and Race. While he can forgive a cheap shot, because he’s given out plenty of those, he won’t forgive them for making people like him. “They put their hands together and cheered for Cactus Jack! And that takes away the hunger!!!” So, instead he’s going to feed on his hatred of those two instead. “You want to beat on me? I’ll beat off you!” Wait, what?!?

MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL vs. CHRIS BENOIT

They aren’t wasting any time building Benoit up – first with Armstrong, and now with Bagwell. Mid-card, beware. A test of strength doesn’t really go anywhere, so the pair start trading pinfall attempts. Bagwell hits an enzuigiri and goes for a German, but Benoit elbows him in the eyeball. Bagwell dropkicks Chris to the floor, but Benoit’s right back in with a crossbody block off the top for 2. A clothesline drops Bagwell like a sack of potatoes, and a sidewalk slam gets 2. He picks Bagwell up BY HIS HAIR and slams the man, which gets a stern warning from the referee. Chris immediately does it again, and now the referee is visibly upset, telling him “hey, you can’t do that!” Benoit goes for it a third time, but Bagwell shakes loose and does it to Chris. He gets no warning, because the referees are biased monsters. Benoit doesn’t really care and immediately finishes with the Dragon suplex at 6:23. **

LARRY ZBYSZKO wants a word with the Canadian newcomer. He promises just one possibility for his opponents moving forward – which is to leave with their heads down, assuming it’s still on their shoulders. Hey, that’s two possibilities! Benoit reminds us he’s a 7-year pro, even though he doesn’t look a day over 15-years old.


In another part of the building, TONY SCHIAVONE is with STEVE AUSTIN and BRIAN PILLMAN. Pillman says they’ve got intense focus, and they’re going to be a tag-team dynasty. Schiavone is curious why Austin, the greatest TV champion of all time, and quite possibly the best singles wrestle in WCW history (da fock?!?) would suddenly change gears and focus on the tag-team division. Austin knows he’s the greatest singles wrestler there is – but now he’s ready to prove what he can do as a tag-team. Pillman wants to show themselves off in the best way he can imagine … in a 2-out-of-3 falls match. The longer they wrestle, the stronger they get. Anything can happen in 1 fall, but nobody’s gonna get them twice. Neither of them figure that the champs have the guts to sign on for that kind of match, but a man can dream.

PAUL ORNDORFF vs. CACTUS JACK

Oh man, there’s some serious hate here, and they go right at each other tooth and nail. Jack bites Orndorff’s face, which gets a shriek from Paul. He angrily boots Cactus to the apron where he holds the ropes, so Orndorff runs at him with a knee, sending Jack to the floor where he audibly splats against the cement. Christ almighty Mick…. Back in, Jack starts throwing haymakers, knocking Orndorff out, and he rolls to the floor. Jack follows, but it was a sucker move, as Orndorff sweeps out the legs and grinds Jack’s face into the ring apron. Back in, he drops a fist to Jack’s jaw, and backs the wild man into the corner. Cactus gets loose and charges, but Orndorff sidesteps and Jack flies over the top and to the floor. Jack gets up to fight, but Orndorff comes off the apron, driving Jack face first into the cement with his knee! Holy hell man! Jack staggers around the ringside area and heads back in, but Orndorff drops him with a neckbreaker over the ropes. He finally gets back in, and feeling no pain, he kicks away at Orndorff. Orndorff goes for the piledriver, but Jack drops down and hooks the foot while the fans cheer his name. That’s turned into a “PAULA” chant which is so vile that Orndorff has to cover his ears to keep them from bleeding. It’s flustering enough to make him miss a dropkick, and Jack hits an explosive clothesline. Jack looks like he’s got this in control, but suddenly VADER rushes in for the DQ at 8:47! The fans root for Sting to save, but it’s not happening. Instead, the man, the legend, THE BARBARIAN is on the scene! Everyone’s gonna die!!!! He goes straight for Vader, hitting him with a Cactus Clothesline in honor of his new best friend, as we head into a commercial. **1/2

RICKY STEAMBOAT vs. DUSTIN RHODES (for the WCW United States heavyweight title)

In a show of pure hatred, they shake hands and hold each other closely as the bell is rung. Steamboat takes over the early going with slams and a wide variety of holds. A half nelson gets 2, and Rhodes fights his way back to his feet. Rhodes comes back with a side headlock that he works for a small eternity. Steamboat hits a drop toe hold to change his fortune, and works an armbar. Dustin gets loose, and tries an abdominal stretch, while holding a headlock, adding extra pressure. Steamboat tries to get away with a waistlock, but Rhodes won’t give, slams Steamboat, and goes back to the abdominal stretch one more time. Upon release, Rhodes tries a dropkick, but Steamboat sidesteps and applies on a wristlock. Rhodes gets up, but takes a hiptoss for 2, before winding back in an armbar. Rhodes eventually gets out and nails a clothesline for 2. Rhodes goes to finish, but they wind up colliding face first with one another mid-ring. They both fight to their feet, and Rhodes hits a bulldog, but Steamboat shockingly kicks out at 2. Steamboat tries a bridged pin, but Rhodes bridges his way out at the last second. Still, Steamboat snapmares him and heads up, hitting his crossbody, but now it’s Rhodes that kicks out of a finishing move! During a leapfrog, the referee accidentally gets nailed as Steamboat crumbles to the floor. BARRY WINDHAM makes an appearance, and hits the jumping DDT on Steamboat on the concrete! Nobody saw it, Rhodes included, and when the referee comes to, he counts out Steamboat at 14:52, to give Dustin the US title. Winning on a count-out – you go Dustin! The match was slow, plodding, and didn’t tell much of a story, a total timewaster building up to the interference of Windham. Embarrassingly low quality considering the participants. **

JIM ROSS congratulates the new champion, and airs the footage of Windham helping him out. Rhodes is beside himself – positively livid. His daddy didn’t teach him that way, and dang it, he’s gonna go make it right with Ricky. And he heads out, while the announcers wonder aloud if Dustin actually knew Windham had been involved. Questions abound as the show fades to black.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

WCW Worldwide: January 16, 1993

I’ve finally managed to get Worldwide back in the rotation – and not a moment too soon! Z-Man! Johnny Gunn! Nothing but the biggest names on the planet!

TONY SCHIAVONE and JESSE VENTURA welcome us to an actual arena in Alabama. Tony’s displaying a quality part on the mid-right side of his head, with the kind of precision that lets you know, yes, this is the 90’s. PAUL ORNDORFF saunters on camera, and he starts screaming about Rick Rude’s injury. He apparently knows exactly what needs to be done. And what needs doing? Whether it’s Milwaukee, or Philadelphia, he’s going to have a match with Steeng. What of Atlanta? St. Louis? Murfreesboro? Does “Steeng” not work those territories?

BARRY WINDHAM vs. TOMMY ANGEL

Jesse tells us that Angel best be a Devil if he wants to beat Windham. There’s phoning it in, and then there’s Jesse Ventura circa 1993. Angel comes at Windham for about a second before taking an eye poke, and Windham dumps Angel through the ropes. An uppercut draws the ire of the referee, but Windham informs Pee Wee that no, he did not close his fist, and that seems to be enough to satisfy. The Jumping DDT (or, as Tony has coined it on every show, “A Form Of A DDT!”) is enough to seal Angel’s fate at 2:18. DUD

Elsewhere, handsome 8th string announcer ERIC BISCHOFF talks about WCW Magazine. That leads us into legendary midget BILL APTER handing the Rookie of the Year to ERIK WATTS. According to Bischoff, he managed to do this despite attacks from greats like Michael Hayes and Bobby Eaton, though he doesn’t touch on the uncomfortable rocket Bill Watts shoved up Erik’s ass.

VINNIE VEGAS vs. TIM DIXON

Jesse: “I normally don’t like guys named Vinnie, there’s just something about that name that just strikes a chord with me … but this Vinnie, I’m growing attached to.” Yeah yeah yeah Jesse, you have beef with McMahon – shut up and let me admire Tim Dixon. Tim has adorned a black singlet with half a leopard skin, accentuating his moppy mullet, and a quality unkempt mustache – the kind you’d see in the *really* raunchy movies. Unfortunately, his whisk broom is no defense for the Snake Eyes, and Vegas picks up an easy win at 1:07. Jesse gushes over how big Vegas is. Pfft, he should see Scorpio. DUD

Now, a WCW Exclusive! ERIK WATTS is being shot on a hand held camcorder at a gas station, signing an autograph for a clearly disturbed little girl. Her dad, holding the camera, encourages the pre-teen to “give him a kiss … yeah, see if ya can git a kiss there.” Holy crap – is this what got him arrested? After an inappropriate lip locking, the girl points out “hey, that’s ARN ANDERSON!” He’s power walking over fast, screaming “I TOLD YA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I CATCH YER ASS OUT HERE AGAIN!” Arn throws Watts face first into the hood of his car, but Watts punches him in the pooter and locks on the STF. The cops show up, and immediately arrest Watts for what I assume is aggravated battery, first degree sexual assault, and statutory rape.

THE WRECKING CREW vs. JOEY MAGGS and JOHNNY RICH

Maggs was kicking around even back then? He might well be the jobberiest jobber in the history of WCW’s jobbers, but we won’t know for sure until I make it through the entire run of the company at some point in 2093. Maggs almost picks up an upset win and the ladies moisten their knickers while finding their most obnoxious octave levels, but it’s not gonna happen folks. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Fury destroys Maggs with a backbreaker and leg drop, setting up Rage nicely to go to finish with the Meathook … but Maggs kicks out in a shocker. Rich gets the hot tag, delivering his patented spinning elbows to anyone fat … but a kick to the face from Fury sets up a backbreaker into an elbowdrop for the win at 4:29. This was no fun at all. *

Weather man Wannabe ERIC BISCHOFF is back with WCW Magazine. He introduces BILL APTER giving the Most Inspirational award to RON SIMMONS. Simmons is so polished and well spoken, delivering his thanks like a humbled Apollo Creed. You know, for everything McMahon got right with Austin, Foley, and Rhodes in the coming years … he completely blew it with Simmons. Ron’s got the charismatic endearing thing going for him, with just enough jazz to back it up in the ring. The fall of Ron Simmons in 1993 is going to be a sad thing to watch.

PAUL ORNDORFF vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL

Bagwell actually upset Watts for WCW Magazine’s Rookie of the Year, despite Erik’s ability to overcome Michael Hayes. That’s pretty strong. Bagwell hits Orndorff with a knee lift, and then goes to the only other move he knows … the dropkick. Not to worry, he’d live by that dropkick for the next 4 years, before working in a swinging neckbreaker, and eventually, the Blockbuster. The announcers gush over the fact that Bagwell’s able to reverse a drop toe hold, but it honestly doesn’t change the fact he wears tassels. A crossbody block gets 2, and Bagwell yells “YEAH!” while turning his back, knowing this is as close to beating Orndorff that he’ll get. Belly to back suplex finishes matters at 5:12. 1/2*

STEVE AUSTIN and BRIAN PILLMAN vs. Z-MAN and JOHNNY GUNN

Jesse, keeping a straight face, says WCW’s tag-team division is the deepest it’s ever been. Oh. Pillman beats on Z-Man because, well, it’s fun. Zenk throws crappy dropkicks for awhile, before working a hammerlock. Gunn comes in and gets double teamed immediately. Austin tries to roll up Gunn with a handful of tights, which fails, but he tries it one more time anyway because he’s just that much of a scumbag. Pillman chops Gunn into fish chum, and when Z-Man tries to get involved, Pillman happily throws Gunn over the top rope illegally. Austin drops an axehandle, but it won’t keep Gunn down, who gets back in and slugs away for his life. The hot tag is made, and Zenk can’t wait to start hitting the bad guys with his awful awful dropkicks. A jumping superkick on Pillman nearly gets the upset, but Austin saves. And that’s all they’re getting, as Austin picks Zenk up for the Stun Gun, and Pillman pushes it forward with a dropkick for the pin at 4:35. On his way to the back, Austin tells the camera “they wuz nothin’”. Match of the night! *1/2

Back at WCW Magazine, Ken Doll look-a-like ERIC BISCHOFF has one more award to show off tonight. And what is it? A walking plaque hands itself to RICK RUDE as PWI Comeback Wrestler of the Year. Wait, I apologize, Rude picks up the plaque to reveal BILL APTER was there.

JESSE VENTURA welcomes VADER and HARLEY RACE to the live arena. Vader’s all fired up, huffing and puffing like a fairy tale wolf. Race says Vader knew when he walked the aisle in Baltimore that he was returning with the gold. Vader screams that he’s never listened to advice from anyone … except Harley Race. So, when he says Ron Simmons gets a re-match, “I SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE!” But, he’s more concerned with Sting, because he still wants that elusive King of Cable title. Who can blame him?


GET CYBERGENICS AT GNC! BLISTEX MOISTURE SYSTEM! MURINE EAR WAX REMOVAL! And do it now because this show is OVER! And you have some atrocious hygiene.